someone controlling My Actions

Defensiveness armors myself, i cling to connections or possessions that have depreciated, and look to others to protect me- but at a price .some one is controlling me , I feel it every move i am going to make there is two answers to be found and i have to decipher which is the best for life`s highways so to speak ,It beggers belief and has me questioning who rely is in control, My Tarrot card for today four of earth , dimi question is who is controlling what??, ,, Back ground The last Supper explores the potential for the disciples to share friendship amidst the plotting of Judas- The pures-holder of the twelve- to betray their leader for the sake of a financial reward, that is definatly not me, I never look for any thing back , Soul-code to this, The controlll of resources is a responsible task, Whoever apportions the goods MUST share out fairly , It is a mistake for the soul to become to attached to the means by which powere, money and position are gained, Instead of Furthering the Flow of life, your destiny becomes interwoven with the control and manipulation of others for gain is never a good move in my book,
I assert all my territory or call the shots, Generosity controls my turf do not have a love of material gains , all i want to gain is genuine friends , I have no time for the stupid games, Power , people playing god , i have been here so many times before, Let go of my control , There are obstacles to me gaining more, delays , blockages, just make me question even more, encourage my self to speculate,, Prestige and power are hard-won learn to live a simple life, or more simply dont put so many hurdles in your path , it would be great if the road was so so smooth, but that is not allowed for the laws that be .
Choice brings ambivalence a word i will have to check out for right now i have not a clue ,I have difficulty in getting started or adapting to change, Multiplying or bureaucratic  entanglements confuse things,  as i but try, to launch myself, I feel like a pendulum forever swinging from back to here, look to both sides of the market so to speak to assess exactly were you stand, Holding two ideas in one place in no difficulty at all , since i handle complexity well, Its double accounting that sabotages me, Trust in some one has been squashed to near enough nil, Feels complexity is my master, Trying to keep all the sides covered means i rely am serving no one, stand back time , time to reassess what can be delegated or discarded,  Step of my treadmill , Time to reflect , draw back as far as i can get , observe from a safe distance , that is what  i do best observe read between every line , I cannot believe myself some times , I will answer that with there is nothing like an old fool , this is too myself , I dared to let some body in , i even let a wall down just a tad , enough for to see/show what is deep within , Now it is closed even zipped , proved right again , Finding the point of balance will help you/me in your journey without undue elation or depression , its as clear as that , I know what i have to do practise makes perfect , get right back on that high horse so to speak , and take off for a vantage point , That seems to be the answer throughout history too, Run, hide and come out when all is over , No never that would never be me , i am just to dam nosy , I have to be in the middle of things , for to connect and help in every way that i possibly can .
Did you know that Pope Alexandra VI , had an illegitimate son, Caesar was a brilliant soldier and a ruthless manipulator whose motto was "Aut Caesar, aut nihil"-(Caesar or nothing" 1500 century ) Leonardo Davinci actualy served him 1502 , Leonardo Da Vinci , was a very clever man , he knew way too much it would have made anyone seems as if they were not off the normal, This normal i would love to meet , what is normal, This man seems to have loads of answers to what seems it all , as i perceive he tells every thing just how it should be told makes 100% sense to me , very clever all his writings , they also found a secret room way back January 2005, in a rambling Friary of "Santissima AnnunZiata" in Florence the room was none the less a studio,s of the great man himself , found during the phenomenon of the Davinci code book , Was a great read also, leads to so many other diffrent paths i think a good book should lift every thing about you, and i love the way Leonardo explains things wise old soul pity people rubbished him , now though who is laughing , Not Caesar, Leonardo Da Vinci he is laughing , he had it all so spot on , I Look to him for a lot of my insight for some reason i have not a problem when i need some thing that is totally new answering !! Leonardo seems to have questioned all of my questions way back when , wow blows my mind , He was what i thought just an Artist , as i mature i rely appreciate Art , I have found the artist in me, found an eye i never even knew or thought i had , and all the time its been full on almost beacon like , it is for others beckoning , shedding light , lending a hand were i possibly can some times to my cost as i have found , almost too sore to even mention some of the lessons i have just had to learn,.. Its all good , at-least i know , thank fully i just seem to know , and it saves me once again , From what rely could be the biggest mistake of my life, it would definitely feel , The pressure just of the thoughts of letting any one too close to me , Must be rely creep for some having someone that just knows and reads your every thought , scares me too some times , but its also my instincts , conscious instincts compared to my sleeping consciousnesses, That keeps me well and truly on my toes , and i could have made a mistake , Choices are all mines , They are now , They were not for years, but i am not, even going ,to go there, that`s another story, Jackanory i call it now, =Story it was the name of a program as a child , story tellers , Actors would read a Child`s story to the Children watching television. I liked story telling , listening to every ones way deciphering the real from the down right lies , reading between the lines,that is rely easy some times , especially if it , might work out a big big mistake the laws that govern me will not let it be if the times, not right, then it will not be , plain and simple as that, to me ,
The glass is always half fill thank fully , over flowing would just be a waste, and i hate to waste any thing especially the  knowledge of a higher self, this i rely do have to listen to or i would not ever make any thing right , I have made plenty mistakes , but now its all clear as to the ifs buts & even the maybe`s, I haven`t lost my faith  o No that would never be me , Faith is what keeps me going and the strength, i have gained,  i have to share,  for its just too much , heavy burdens,  are always halved when shared , they always seem lighter when some hindsight is thrown into view or just aired , Light seems to come from all directions , Thank fully that is my Faith , so control away you will find your far in control , I have Higher beings that walk with me and keep me safe and on my toes, We can control  only ,so much, especially if Time is involved, makes every thing just happen so fast and seem such a coincidence , when you have time to reflect and see , You were already aware , this was going to happen , lucky i was well aware ,.. Always will be Aware of every thing around me , I have to be plain as that , i have to question this and that i have to research for answers true, and they come from all ways when i ask for a hand , I get one , i cannot see who it is I can feel though , Thankfully , Love light Blessings to us all , Keep lifted.