Death

I fear , death is coming to visit,  , us all , 1 wise man , I heard him say , "Death smiles at us all son and all we can do, is smile back". He never went kicking and screaming , he went quietly , laughing at all,
that he was to endure, Even when first told you have CANCER, His reply?, left both the Doctor and myself , Shocked to say the least, He knew, I knew, We both said , it was coming , something was coming, To break up our so happy home, Our life`s turned on their heads, the lights suddenly,
went out, Nothing ever to be the same again, life as it once was , never to return , after that sentence was spoken. Death we knew was Definitely coming, It was 9 Months of , never ending visits,
To and from the Hospital, Every week , it all went by so fast, that I forgot How to laugh.
I was so Busy caught up making life as comfortable as i can for us to live this out in some kind of peace. That wasn`t to be far from it,The so called family , The Mother especially, She knew how to,
Kick especially when her son was down , Dieing he was but you could not even give him 1hour of ,
your precious time,.

I will never forget that day , You came to visit , to find out what was wrong with your son, When told
he had lung Cancer, You did not change , your look ,Your younger son was in Hospital having not a,
live saving operation , a body fixing operation, that would easily heal, Not your oldest son though, he was not to heal, Yet when that phone went , you jumped as if to attention , you could not wait to get out of that room that house , get rid of some tension, ha you were a clown , A Mother , O I hope i never ever turn like you, My You blew me away , with your disgusting behavior.  Your eyes gave so much away, You would have torn him in 2 , if i had, of let you, no i am his wife, You his Mother , yet you called him a liar, Looking for attention. When did he ever look for attention, tell any of you lie`s. So so Sad What a let down.
I am still angry as his wife and mother to his children , how you as a mother could be so cold,
heartless, Cruel , you never stopped , till i had to rise up , even then you thought i was wanting to argue , with you, no my dear , Time for you to do your motherly thing, its far Different from My thing,
No wonder he kept me away , From You, You truly are a poisen, You called me a black widow,
1 time, ha, Now who is calling the kettle pot black!!!
Red with Rage i was with you at 1 time, how could you do that to your dieing son, My Husband ,
I will never understand you , Or Forget any of it, it Plays over in my mind like an old film.

Now you face the same battle as your son, I would never wish that on any one , I seen the Pain,
The tears, The change from My Strong Husband to a totally different character, You would not of probably recognized, Due to you , Always having the sniffles when you were to come and visit, none of us relay knew , how the time would fly, It sure done that , Flew so fast , There is so much i have missed out here , All his suffering , a good bit of it should not have been, Even the last 2 weeks he had something called (alladenia, )& I Cannot spell it properly, or think properly, of the word, All I remember,
Is it was a side effect to the drugs, The drugs were having some kind of reaction, Were they were reversing there opiate effect and doing the complete opposite of what they were supposed to do, So Ironic, The Drugs did not work . Reversing their effects . Making him suffer as much as it,
 possibly could , tearing you to shreds , All i could do was keep you as comfortable as i could,
You even laughed at the dr who told you of this illness , Even at the hospital when they told us it,
Stage 4, I had done my research. I had my dreams , 3 weeks from finding you in my dream life ,
you were diagnosed 9 months later gone, after 30 years , yes of-course am still reeling,
Grief effects us all differently, No 2 the same , not one of us is right or wrong in our dealings with things, these could be our lessons, In Life , They come in all forms an guises. Its up to you,
the individual, in you , to decipher, what truly is for you, Your destiny , your path is already ,
mapped out , in the stars , As That man said Death smiles at Us all and all we can do is Smile back when it truly is our time, We Must go , to this next world that awaits us , I am sure , i seen ,
In the dream , my Hubby Showed me heaven or were he was so i would leave after finding him, in this dream, I had our son so I had to go back, From this beautiful island i found You waiting for me to draw up , I and our youngest, delighted to finally find you, You were not smiling though, I was Miffed as to why, i had been searching for years , in my dream life, For no luck , then this night i find you and i cannot even touch, not even a little kiss for all my troubles for i had searched far and wide,
As I drew upto the wooden platform , in this the last dream, You told me , I had to go You,
were not coming but you were safe look around me, You will be every were, I firmly believe,
you have been , sometimes I am too Blinded by what has been to see, I cannot see the woods,
for the tree,s. Now on reflection I can SEE so much clearly now, yip I Understand, You should
not have led me the way you did, you know aswell as me now that was so wrong of you and selfish,
You stopped me being me, Why , I was so Genuine and pure , why did you, not just let me be, when you knew, I Know you  knew , now i do Know for sure. Life is so full of questions, I was to ask,
The right questions and i would get the right answers , always a riddle always a game what ever happened to that man i knew the man I Loved and he Loved me Too. Not what it became,
We couldn`t even talk , then the last 2 years , Why I ask myself , and then the end result , My how Cruel A Twist , a nip A Rip That is never to be fixed , people will forget, People will remember you with Love not the horror you became especially to me. Yet even when we found out, Things were going to change weather we wanted it or not, Higher beings at work again, And again You never listened, A lot of people chose not to listen at their own peril, Others made up their minds, even
Mocking , in judgement . Yes its life that is what people do , Some , The sad , amongst us,
there is a few, I have found this out , at a great cost , it near Killed the person inside, It definitely,
Left my Pride , Ego In tatter`s , is that what you set out to do , me in my will full blindness.
Looking for some kind of comfort , ha ha, instead you pulled and you picked , every thing .
Till everything was black inside, All My memory`s now lain in tatters , O Not now ,
Now I can seriously Thank you . You taught me plenty , not all good far from it,
You taught me fast that friends are not , relay who or what they claim to be , everyone has
a sad reason to want to talk to you, it is not relay to talk to you, it is what you have to offer.
Sad yes it is , for now everyone , i have to treat differently, Not treat but think differently of ,
of everyone`s intentions , do they want to see me or is it what i have inside , I truly,
 dont mind sharing , All the things that have come , i will gladly share with like minded people.
Not the ones who think they knwow it all , no one knows it all , I sure wish someone did,
So Till Then I will carry on this merry dance called LIFE. Go with the flow of it all, That
seems to work for me , do not make plans they never work out, I have found through time,
Life is far from slow, one min you are sweet sixteen all the years, in-front , then you are eighteen , legal, then twenty one, You have reached these milestones in life , what have you learnt,
Plenty you think, you think you know it all, Then you wake up one day and you are in your
Forties , Wondering How the .... Did that happen , were did it go , these years go by so fast.
I am lucky I had a lot of fun throughout those years. The next years I feel have been the hardest, Due to it was lessons i was to learn when younger, I had no Choice , I was easily led. These lessons came fast and thick and dont seem to be stopping any time soon , Once you realize, the time is now short, You realize , Or you have so much to do with such little time left. it can leave the task at hand,
daunting, Even too Much to think of releasing it all out through a book . Could i be truthful,
Could I , I ask Myself , I question myself , I Hope so , For I never ever tell lies that is one thing i know for sure , I was conditioned , even my body language , even a raised eyebrow , everything was analyzed, So I just kept my head down and got through with great effort for my children, Sorry you had killed what was for you, It came back as it always did , I done the dutiful wife, Even
though no matter what i done , I gave my best evn knowing in the end I would be the one who still
got the kick in the teeth, You had become that used to it you never even thought. You had so many orders to bark at me , And i never forgot , I forgive you , I relay do i forgive everyone , especially MYSELF. I done my best all that knows , that relay matter they know, the mindless gossips,
hahaha , sadly you, can only speculate , This kind of talk has never relay bothered me, For
I know the Truth , I have no need to lie, as has been shown as son as i stood the minority,
I stood the Majority, i had no idea at the time , my Actions were screaming , Everything i had ever known lying in tatters at your feet ,  It is some walk eh a walk in my shoes or an hour in my head, Not many could survive, the reality of it all , maybe that is why, i will be a clown, yes i will be that person that laughs when am not supposed to usually in a crowded room, and i will ask the questions people are scared to ask and leave in their heads. Its in Me all ways has been and it sure ain`t going to stop now , If anything It is getting Stronger this feeling inside of me. is it bewilderment , Of what is going to be, Its definitely something good , I even had a wee win on the lottery , Way back in march , I only just checked the ticket, I knew though, one was a winner and i was correct , Now if i could get the six numbers all would be great , No it wouldnt , It is a whole new set of Troubles believe me.
Someone once told me , after i had explained , me losing a treble on horse racing I would have been a very wealthy woman Financially, They told me I wasn`t supposed to have money, at the time i was so gutted losing out on all that Money , Now though I Understand I am A millionairess, My self is Priceless , people come from far and wide just to check am all right , Thank you Good friends.
I nearly had lost all my faith in Humanity, I needn`t have worried though every day some thing is sent to test us, in some way , i jsu go with it now , before i would look for the signs , Missing them completly , now going with the flow, i seem to miss nothing , Or no-one , For the real people,
They will come , When you are at your lowest , there is always a face in that crowd, To shed some light on even , Me, & my darkest of thoughts, O yip i have them too , I would be scared of me if they were to manifest. Instead i will punch the pillow till it lies there flattened, With rage , I do not tell,
all for some is too sore , I have so much to tell and share about Life & Its Lessons for us all.
So Please never feel alone i only talk of one experience, And only a little of that , Imagination &
Magic , I need me some of that . I need some of the magic back , I have plenty of light,
You just need to touch to feel the electric current that runs through me. As if i am plugged in 24/7,
Sharing is defiantly caring and that i care to much not to share with everyone , just what made or makes me tick. I haven`t got a clue , i just go with what comes to me , I sure had to learn so much so fast , I should have been able to learn when i was young , Now the lessons fast & thick , My you truly get blonde moments,s Karen dont you lol. I sure do I am glad to say it is what keeps me sane,
In all that has been and all that is now , for i feel i haved lived a hundred of many life`s,
I sure have done a lot, I had to whats the saying "a good scientist" "try`s all his methods out",
I probably have that bit wrong but not to worry its half true lol,. Life up to now has been a roller,
coaster , And it doesn`t seem to be slowing down any , were i actually think there must be a Crazy train, With me the driver , No leave it in Auto pilot , I dont want to miss a thing , Life is for Living , I know a lot of this sounds so doom and gloom and a god bit of it was, but that is all history now,
My Life, Our Family life , loads more tales to tell there too, It was our life though almost,
Thirty odd years, Yes it was great when it was great and it would be shit when it was shit but that is the joy of loving, Your soul mate , of course you will get angry how dare they leave , especially now i have woken right up , I want to so give you it tight for so many things , I wont, i know, when i think you, are getting it tight , I Love you, and always will , we showed ,each other so much and brought so much light  to so many.
 How could or would i ever dare forget , that beautiful man i fell in Love with , Even throughout the years , In a relationship , You build things on Trust and a mutual Understanding , everything,
when there is two of you , is questioned and answer from the two then decipher the best answer ,
Take it from there , Love is all around us people , every were , Some of the people walking by, their faces like thunder, Hmm, Smile and look them in the eye, Dare to Care ,  It freaks people out , you must be after something , no honestly i have no needs, or any thing i need, i was going to give,
 you so much time, I did , What did you do you spat it right back tut tut tut, Silly You ,
I doesn`t matter lesson learn`t , & Again Thank you , Till we meet on the other side.
By Then all my questions will be void , not o worry again , it is all good , i have survived , Once again.
Born again , The inside of me new gone are all the doubts no room for them , Only room,
for the positivity , In everything, There is , in everything that is negative , you can find the positive if you want to look that is . I did am so glad i have dealt with everything I have and I will ,
keep on doing what i do best. Love light & Peace :)