my soul , goes out and has a look for me , brings it home to me, everything that is in,
store , some of the good the bad & the down right ugly . Some of the laughs, Some of
the tears, And also tears of joy , on some of the days a lot of the days , humor is what we all need , not to be so caught up that everything is so so sad, Make the moment lighter, think
How far you have come , sit back relax, give thanks for a brand new day, not ,
criticize, That relay does no good for any one unless it is something we all need to know,
Turn that frown , into a smile , might not seem easy , but once you try and practise,
if need be, Till then , Grab a light to lighten up, Life is for living as you see fit, not others,
Thoughts and all so wrong , but it taught me, how not to think, How to smile, How to turn that frown,
up side down, Look if need be look into that mirror and see , for the real you is there.
It just takes time to find out who the real you is, or has been all the time.
Everything has been masked , or been so diffrent, what would have been the end result,
If only , ifs buts & maybes, that is what is left, The memorys tarnished because , you relay
made me feel so sad, looking back now i can see the stupid me , Were I did go wrong , its took
this lifetime, Wonder what will be for my next.
Not that am going there yet, far from it , i need to share, & I will , Love , Light & Peace ,
Might not be the order of the day but to me it is every day, makes you see things in a whole,
new light, You should try it and see , take all those masks of , learn who you are , its not,
easy , that was never ptomised , now i understand that also , Everyday is precious to me.
To Spoil it with any thing but goodness is definitely not me, I will be very careful ,
not all that smile back will ever be friends , some have alteriar motives
Well i,ll start with the weather ,just cause its feb thinks it can b sh....,well i wont dig the bikini oot yet or anytime soon maybe july ,Things can b so hard till u find an answer then its easier,my brains allover the place the now but its still workin i think?lol,It has ti b eh no ones gonna take ma brain an use it will am not theyr? i hope,how ti use it now thats another thing altogether, but some1 told me 1x my brain knows whats happenin before i do , i hope so ,ave ti write but i canny think ,the words usualy come easy,but today writers block,so ill talk o ma fav subject, billy Its nearly 13 months since u left feels like a lifetime an then again as if it were today, i miss ure mad ways so much,an so do ure kids an family,i feel as if uve neva left,All the tit for tat an all that eh an i thank u for that or i wouldnt b who i am today, i am quite a strong person ,then others u could blow me over with a feather,memorys r good an i thank u for them an allways will,fairplay to u,life has a funny way of showin u whats for u wont miss u ever ,we learnt that early on,an i still try to learn somit new everyday mind it gets harder the older u get? tryin to understand y is the hardest of them all cause theyr isnt a y its just whats to b,an nowt we can do can change that,am not finished on this note just gonna cut it short the now, i had plenty in ma head before i sat down to write,but now its blank,maybe its not meant for hear maybe its ment for my books an ill leave it like that the now,,,_____________________________________________________________________
How to begin a brand new start,?well u get a bunch o facts an shit together an u sort it thru , rite from the very first box an u have to do them all,but u canny in 1 day a lifetime o memories, in 1 box,wish it was as easy as pandora,s stik it all in 1 but no its gotta b loads o wee,r boxes to we tiny 1z , o u knew how ti pk, so much into such a tiny space, i could neva put it bk how it was, i was neva that neat,lol,Yet theyrs a memory box ,with not much init, but theyrs boxes galore u knew how to store,u were like a wee squirel lol ,allways for a rainy day ,an still robin peter to pay paul, I would say ure that tite ude squeeze ur erse ti fart, u would have that cheeky grin, knowin what u had within, u were happy u had made a buk, that seemed to b ure luck, U seemed to allways have the luck ,allways i thought knew what was what,yet all this time i thought this u were sayin it was me , i honestly thought it was u,but now havein ti think , i know it was us,its weird its like bein cut in half,? how do i an i ave to know myself how do i, for u cannot answer me , yet i feel u close by me, i know ur never far as memories r always there for to keep u alive,we had some great times ,we had loads an loads o good times ,just aswell we got it in whilst we could ,inside we knnew it wasnt for our old age,that wasnt to b,but i know when my day comes ull b waitin , rite now im in a bubble an im beginin to see a wee lite an hopefully its a savin lite from wateva, cause i need it now,I know AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK, I CAN FEEL THAT ,the other feelins r numb im tryin to feel this an that but i feel so empty ,I need to fill it up ,its causin alot o grief,_______________________________________________
ppl
with babies enjoy the first while , while u can cause it goes by so
fast 1 min ure teachin them to walk an talk next theyr tryin to teach u ,
or going theyr own journeys(lifes walk)i cal it, we all have 1 to do
,its called livin,life,an how whats for ya wont miss ya, allways ready
for to show u ,no dont even think o relaxin an sayin i like this
ride?nope then JAWS comes right oot the water ti bite ure erkie cleen
off,again,just a mad rant,lifes walkway wat have we to learn an teach in
our findings, they say as long as u learn somit then not all is lost??
ive learnt plenty but still feel at the starter line or laggin behind,
What a race full o keak ,lifes journeys r were u walk an untill uve
walked in anothers shoes neva cast stones cause the ripples, cause
waves, the world is allready drownin it doesnt need ppl,s personas
drowning, We all have to have the stiff uper lip,
an
keep together or we will sink, ppl seem to b so sore or hurt an angry
,but thats when u take it out on the 1 u shouldnt knowin full well
they,ll take it, yet again, PPl can only take so much, u cant keep
critisicin for it aint no good,u only end up feelin the same,an when
that door of hunhappieness opens theyrs no turnin bk for a good
while!!!so keep ure self busy an not to think to much atall ,just go
with the flow,its easy, i love to share in ppl,s joy an sometimes share
in their tears as its not all plain sailing , it leaves a ruddy big
hole, were no mater how much diggin u cannot fill ,for its not to b
filled,uve to leave it empty,an fill it with MEMORIES!!!Its hard to do
but once u get going u defo get them going ,whilst u think of them much
happier days,when u can smile at them an remember with that wee glint in
ure eye, then they fill over an tears start to flow an even they dont
fill this massive hole,its a lonely excistance once uve bn 2 to suddenly
b 1, its ruddy hard,but u have ti get on no mater whats on u have
things to do , even thou theyrs nowt ude ike beter to lie in ure bed,
but this wouldnt do,ude end up covered in sores an even blueir, they say
what doesnt kill u makes u stronger am still waitin on these MUSCLES,
an ive even shrunk, but thats all in 1s day, just a little insight to
mmy ways, ofcourse i falter an feel i should stop i even shut up lol,
ave tryewd a few things now,ave had to ,an not in the fastlane thank
fook lol, i woulda well crashed by now, ave takin ma time, an went with
the flow an still will ,cause thats the way it is,or i am ,if i was any
more laid bk ide b horizontal ive bn told lol, i also believe every1 has
a story thats waitin to b told,some funny,some sad, some down rite not
rite ,but thats kl its ure lifes journey an were u end up at the end of
the day is down to how u act now,b carefull of what u mock,cause u just
neva know that could b u 1 day, every1 to their own,it takes all types
to make this world go round,everyone has their own piece o space no one
else is allowed into this wee piece ,some things r for sharin others r
for not,sometimes feelings rule ure head an heart,an too fast to give an
answer instead o thinkin of all thats going on,i know am good at jumpin
in with both feet, i wish the ground would just swallow me up but it
doesnt an u have ti get on, cause its a new dawn,everydays a diffrent
day as it should b ,an a problem shared is a problem halfed an so on,
Its ure life its what u make of it,but still , is theyr realy some1 u
should b answerin to, no im sure theyr aint,its up to u an all the
baggage it brings ,an skelotons in the cupboard am sure every1 has
somit, an who realy cares i cert dont, i take it 1 day at a time, i used
to take it 15mins at a time but my days movin a little faster,its also
good to hear the laughs ,the funny side of things u just dont see untill
u think it truly over memorie block seems to b on my head right now,
but we did have a lot o fun, always somit to do it neva stayed quiet for
long,an everytime we thought or said its quiet somit would happen for
to awaken what we thought was sleepin or even extinct, but neva we had
soul an its just not fair,ur not here, we mite laf at some things but
its still so raw were stilll in shock,its hard to believe whats went
down over this last while, its quite alot to take on board,an then stik
it in its little boxes at the bk of ure mind,esp when urs is choker
blokers,loads o boxes sittin on top o eachother , i end up doing a
balancin act ,till i get a crack in the neck,i shoulda been a giraffe or
somit with broad shoulders an american quarter bk even well am gona
stop an come bk when its time to finish ,this work of art lol,Brains we
all have 1 an every 1 unique, we all share this planet an should get
on, what was, we r here, in the now,time to make new memorys its hard
for theyrs allways gona b a piece o the puzzle missin , its how to move
forward,,takin 1 step in front of the other , when the wind knows ur
name before u know it ure off again on some other journey sometimes
before u can even think somit comes along to make sure ur brains on full
tik, as if it ever truly has, it feels like it should b in a
jar,,,lol,,but thats kool , i learn somit new? somehow itll come to me
when the times right,this i do know , i love bein a mum thou, we all
make mistakes, its all our lessons on lifes journey,we do try to not
make what we think is our parents mistakes , till we learn for ourself
excatly what they meant,U can scream the answer in ure adult childs face
but they have to learn just like u did, an still do , were all first
time learners an then teachers,lifes journey. ________________________________________________________________________
Sittingon A pen myte seem light work for many . U could just sit an doodle. Or share whats in your thoughts
The pen is far morebmightier than any sword . In 1word u can mean so many thingz
Realy do u think ? Wat a fekd up society we actualy do live in . I forgot how bad the ppl not the world (ME)fekn sensible karen. Yip even i make mistakes andcwen i do ofcourse there big onez . Just t whip that carpet from under my feet again just a reminder dont get complaicent orvtoo comfie . Well fek it . Ill fall in a bkt o shit an come out smelling of roses huh. Everyything has a yin an yang . Good an bad in everything thats sent to try us .its so easy just to shrivalnup become a shell . Av got from theyr too here it hasnt been fun but its donee av survived the fall out . Fall in. Just b cRefull out thdrevin this crazy world_____________________________________________________________________
The pen is far morebmightier than any sword . In 1word u can mean so many thingz
Realy do u think ? Wat a fekd up society we actualy do live in . I forgot how bad the ppl not the world (ME)fekn sensible karen. Yip even i make mistakes andcwen i do ofcourse there big onez . Just t whip that carpet from under my feet again just a reminder dont get complaicent orvtoo comfie . Well fek it . Ill fall in a bkt o shit an come out smelling of roses huh. Everyything has a yin an yang . Good an bad in everything thats sent to try us .its so easy just to shrivalnup become a shell . Av got from theyr too here it hasnt been fun but its donee av survived the fall out . Fall in. Just b cRefull out thdrevin this crazy world_____________________________________________________________________
Lord,
the trouble about life just now. Is i seem to have all the things which
dont matter, and to have lost all the things which do matter.
I have a life.
I have enough money to live on:
I have plenty to occupy me:
But i am alone,
And sometimes feel that nothing can make up for that . Lord, compel me to see the meaning of my faith. Makw me realise that i have hope as wellas a memory , and the unseen cloud of witnesses is around me; that you mean it when you said that You would allways be with me; and make me realise that as long as You leave me here. There is something that. I am meant to do; and doimg it,help me to find the comfort and the courage that i need to go on._____________________________________________________________________________________
I have a life.
I have enough money to live on:
I have plenty to occupy me:
But i am alone,
And sometimes feel that nothing can make up for that . Lord, compel me to see the meaning of my faith. Makw me realise that i have hope as wellas a memory , and the unseen cloud of witnesses is around me; that you mean it when you said that You would allways be with me; and make me realise that as long as You leave me here. There is something that. I am meant to do; and doimg it,help me to find the comfort and the courage that i need to go on._____________________________________________________________________________________
As i climb this ladder called life i get 1step up and 3r broken.____________________________________________
Everyday
a new lesson to be learnt ,sometimes more than one ,,seems the harrder
the lesson learnt the more you learn?,aye not to do that again
lol,1bitten 2x shy ,o aye tgats love lol . What a rollercoaster ,i wa
gonna say "it waa free"but it was far from free ,but what a ride ,am not
at the bottem quite yet and ill probably neva b on the flat . Yes
av changed ,how could i be tge same person ? A chunk is missing ,its
been ripped cleen . So now we have to go forward with whats for the
best . Were t start is another chapter . It has to b good in a diffrent
way . Itll mever b the same as what was . Thsts now memories . Life is
gor livon,Reflection for now and then noot every minute of every day .
its one foot in front of the other and soldier on ,i wouldnt change much if i had all my years back over ,i wouldnt b the person i am ,from my experiances throu my path in life.
U,_________________________________________________________________
its one foot in front of the other and soldier on ,i wouldnt change much if i had all my years back over ,i wouldnt b the person i am ,from my experiances throu my path in life.
U,_________________________________________________________________
As
i reflect over the years , its so so easy to become stuck ,. I hope
these notes help some kinda understandin for some in a way , that sounds
like a poem lol in my head but i love to wryte an share._______________________
How
fast it goes,tick tock never stopping, what tick tock,another few
seconds wasted,or did you do something,its great to be a le to sit and
reflect,espicialy at special times of the year, i have spoke with a few
ppl now, and it nust doesnt feel like christmas or are we forgetting
,how,,our lifes seem so crammed ,no time to reflect,we work our fingers
to the bone our minds in tatters,everyday a new battle,sad yet true,
theyr seems to be no point for some ,time has stopped for them, they
seem flung out,with no more to give? Sad,depressing,,what is going on
were we have no thought for our futures,yet we thinkof it 24/7?, o how
funny life is not funny haha,but you do have to learn tolive a life,
when things have been so good ,but then its all snatched away, youve had
it all and lost it ,were do you start ,life isa rollercoaster and you
trully do have to ride it for if you dont, what will be will be,,,ill
come back to this :-),_______________________________________________________________
:-)-
Time
moves so fast stops for no man times just keeps movin an so do we as
beings the planet everything lives an breathes , has a life span , some
changin from an ugly duckling to a beaut ofa swan , some lives all r all
straight no cracks an bends i.n their roads but other ppls lifes so up
an down they myte even seem like a real fruit case but nope they arent
out of madness comes zanity , or out of disorder comes order , if
everyone put 5 mins of kind ess in wat a diffrence,___________________
Its
that time again , christmas is comin fast , ur so missed esp at this
time , imiss so much , so much change ina short space of time , my
hearts gettin stronger i even think its made of stone sometimes then all
it takes isa memory a smell an am whisked bk in time , if life was as
easy asa remote control , but it aint that would just b too easy , theyrs
no gettin time bk , its allways movin forward at such a fast rate ,
things change an u have to go with it or be stuck in time or even a rut
.. Av bn theyr .. It aint a nice place to b .. Slowley but surley av
takin syeps wee tiny ones without even realizin an now am leapin from
stone to stone beingvery carefull not to fall flat ,. As i go on my way
forwards , esp with my boy .. We will make crimbo as good as any other
year but itlnot b the same ,cause ur not here in person but i know ull b
here an r every single day , u can actualy rest now i think av got
things under control but thanks for all the help uve sent from beyond
the grave, others will think am bonkers but i know am not am happily MAD
lol , its also so hard to believe comin up for 3 years since that day ,___________________________________
Aye
we aw have oor demons to slay :-) an bridges to cross an cosses to
bare:-( an its ruddy back breakin, heart rippin stuf an they say what
doesnt kill u makes u stronger ? It does an it doesnt, wat we do learn
is to live with it , at first the clouds r soo thick an u cant even see
ursel ina mirror , but thru time the clouds clear abit an u can c again
thru diffrent eyes , thru a diffrent shaped heart , ur instincts takes
over an u go on mechanicaly sometimes full steam , time we allhave it ,
its how we use it , even when u want it to stay still it wont eva ! So u
have to go with the flow or b stuck behind an ina rut foreva , easier
said than done believe me i know .. Just as u think ur lifes aw cosey
hear comes somit to wipe the feet away again , so ive learnt take nada
for granted cause u just neva know wats around the corner an then the
tidal wave that comes behind it , thru time some of these huge waves
become ripples an it aw oozes oot ti the sea were u can let aw ur
emotions just turn into a trickle compared to the sea , or lay ur heart
ona flower an watch it float away down stream to reach the sea , that
peacefull moment just before u let go u wish with aw yer heart u could
turn the clock bk an fix wat u thought wasnt rite but u cant u have to
live with it aw bcause thats life everyone of us diffrent but headin aw
the same place in da end , if we aw shared what we learn , we would aw
get much beta out of it ...part 1._____________________________________________________________________
As
i sit an reflect on what was an what shold be an WHAT IS ? How can
things change so fast an the tusammi thats hit the family unit now the
shockwaves an the tremours an the terrors , rite till the ripples of the
life that once was o how sad some a lot would say , Ave thought the
same a thousand times (y) theyr is no y an no answers its just 1 of those
things ?( those things) wat r they ( taboo) are we not allowed to just
say it out rite to me its been a fekin basta an if my faith wasnt as
strong i would not have even sought solace in or from the church y
shoulda go their if their wasa god y all this to my family my imidiate y
y y but the answer ( wat doesnt kill u makes u stronger) well whens ma
muscles gonna pop oot i expected to look like pop eye by now cause am
sik o wearin ma super woman an wonder woman so wat now just walk aboot
in the buff? I thatll get me noticed am sure an straight jacket here i
come lol but nope am not plannin that either )( mind i could do with the
rest lol ) but i canny ave got my kids to watch grow an flourish an
hopefully become a great happy confident an smart an clever wee man no
ones fol ever i do wat i do in the hope my youngest will b even just
happy in life thatll do me , for the joy uve brung me i hope i can give u
to give bk to others who r good to u or an have bn in ur past an in ur
future , ure neice my grandaughter she is more special than she will
even realise , we mite of lost
To heaven a wonderfull man who will allways walk beside us all just how he did in life he will allways b theyr even in death R.I.P billy we all miss u soo soo much , as for you g billy he has in a way got us thru the first 2 years of losin u , mad the twists an things that come just to blow ur tiny world wie apart so plz b thankfull for wat uve got cause u just neva know wats for U_____________________________
To heaven a wonderfull man who will allways walk beside us all just how he did in life he will allways b theyr even in death R.I.P billy we all miss u soo soo much , as for you g billy he has in a way got us thru the first 2 years of losin u , mad the twists an things that come just to blow ur tiny world wie apart so plz b thankfull for wat uve got cause u just neva know wats for U_____________________________
Another
season without u at first it was the seasons then the monthe the year ,
birthdays , family occasions , that brought us together as proper
family all carin an wantin to make sure everyones safe an happy no mater
the seaon , if the family needed u were neva far to lend a hand , we
miss that hand that hand feels like it bound us aw tite an wen
that hand opened up we all seemed to have slipped from ur grip u held
all of us an we tried oor damndest to hold u, so much gos on time neva
stops but that empty space that doesnt eva seem to fill maybe my insides
died with u i certanly feel numb now an Gain i get a wee glimmer of
hope thats wat ave got now hope HOPE i dont want hope i want my family
bk the way it once was plz plz fill that space that ache can u not take
even for a little while , no one can take wats urs ? I beg to difer they
can an they will by hook or by crook it can all change at the snap of
ur fingers STOP an think before u say wats in yer head as u just neva
realy know wats around that ruddy corner.__________________________________________________________________________
Were
do i start an were will i finish or should i go from back to front?
Thats were my heads at , doesnt know if its comin or going. My 1 guiding
lite in all this mayhem is my youngest son and im still here stronger
than ever ,
I see ppl looking an wondering to themselves how does she even get out of bed in the morning , i wonder that myself"but i do bcause i have to , i could just give up but if i done that then i would of fell and am not the falling type , so how do you turn youf life around an make ita positive learning experience even thou , i dont want to learn , everydays for learning thou , not just those years at school but lifes highway is were ave learnt all that i have so far , and what a life its been allways full of drama , ups and the downs , but hey ave got this far so hopefully the rest of it wont be so trying. Hopefully i can smile and carry on? But am not gonna jinx myself and say , that theyrs not gonna b anymore drama ? Cause if i do somit will happen before ave written these words.____________________________
I see ppl looking an wondering to themselves how does she even get out of bed in the morning , i wonder that myself"but i do bcause i have to , i could just give up but if i done that then i would of fell and am not the falling type , so how do you turn youf life around an make ita positive learning experience even thou , i dont want to learn , everydays for learning thou , not just those years at school but lifes highway is were ave learnt all that i have so far , and what a life its been allways full of drama , ups and the downs , but hey ave got this far so hopefully the rest of it wont be so trying. Hopefully i can smile and carry on? But am not gonna jinx myself and say , that theyrs not gonna b anymore drama ? Cause if i do somit will happen before ave written these words.____________________________
It
felt so sureal to get up on fathers day an u not b theyr ,to open ur
cards an spoil u how we would,but instead we have memories dear an kept
locked up safe in our hearts,. We miss u more than any words could say
but knowin u were who u were an that was our dad,an ofcourse my
husband,i wish u could b here,but its not to b ,thats clear,its the going
on we know we have to an we do,forever in our hearts an minds,u were 1
of a kind, the space uve left would b impossible to fill, as when u left
u took half our hearts with u,and untill we meet again ,then our hearts
will beat as 1,untill then the memories will keep u fresh in all our
minds,the lafter the tears, the good the bad the ugly,we seen it all but
still we carriedd on,then time came a callin an he called on u ,they
say the harder the lesson the beter learnt? everything happens for a
reason for this am sure, i just hope we dont decipher what ours is to b,
am sure we will find out 1 day, is it realy near the end u go on that
walk of memories lifes highway,love u forever an miss u forever xxx__________________________________________________________________
I
feel an idea comin on one ave had for a while, it seems that our dr,s
are hidin somit ,wat im gettin closer to y, its just wat was said maybe
5/6 years ago,for whats happenin now is our drs arent bein dr,s,they
palm u of with ? for another week by the time u get an appointment thats
what 3weeks unless u can b ,maybe actualy diein on deaths door thou
not before,is it money,does it alll boil down to money,well no it
shouldnt as theyr playin with our lifes ,what is it because it is a
scheme,its ok, we r only a number to the ppl with the red tape ,the ones
who gag u,I cannot remember the name of the place that went on fire
(pearsons pebbles), well my husbband was very ill back then an it was
put down to his pigeons? but now hes deceased an on reflection, He had
bn ill for a while ,he went to dr,s atleast every month, then 7weeks, he
goes to dr,s he was diagnozed with lung cancer, 7months an 4 scabby
days he got an he was in pain thru the whole lot whats wrong with these
drs, how can they let this b an not listen to their pateints,just tar
them all with a brush!!maybe some but not everyone is of the same
charecter everyone unique an diffrent in their own street, but it sems
on the side of the officialls were alll just losin the plot well ,i
actualy dont feel bonkers so y do i feel so rite??Theyr is other
eveidence i need ppl to stand an b counted ,to show unity esp for our
loved ones who suffered an had to b in silence,our loved ones didnt
deserve that,a dr,s incompiteince, but they still get paid, i hope when
its their turn the favours will b returned how theyve treated others is
so sureal, an the worst ,THEY KNOW IT...___________________________________________________
In my dreams for months i couldnt find you ,ide climbed mountains been over seas, looked in feilds reacurin dreams for months, then when i did find u ,i had david with me, i thought yyeeehhaarr, ive found u, i was in a small boat with david an u were standin waitin on a wooden plank as if waitin to greet us, but u werent u were theyr to tell me to an david to go home, i was shocked an hurt how could u send me away,? i couldnt touch or even have a kiss,but the place u were was beautifull an island in the middle of the ocean,it was so green an looked so inviting, but we werent allowed even of the boat, i did go as u told me i had to and i was to look after david,i hope am doing well as best as i can,am sure ure lookin down watchin everything i do an if things get hairy i know ull come to my rescue,we had somit special some ppl dont get in a lifetime but we had all our lifetime in 1,maybe thats y it was cut short, becaue it was too good to b true,i remember sailin away in the boat an havin to wave goodbye, u also said u would b theyr for me when its my time to come, about 3weeks after that dream, u were diagnozed we both knew rite away it wasnt gonna b long cause it was ure time ,i think u knew aswell longtime before u told me anything,as u knew only to tell so much,u musta bn scarred ,inside but u neva showed any fear,,hurt,u showed me that we showed eachother y us we asked i couldnt cuddle u or touch u as it was just too sore so we cried head to head an we let it all out, just u an i, we had to b strong our kids allways come first,couldnt let them see what was realy going on inside,but as i watched wither my heart sank further knowin u were leavin,sometime soon was so ? i cannot even put it into words how i felt ,i know it was the worst,so ppl out theyr (cancer)doesnt just eat the person its attackin it eats at all the family an the ripples after ur loved 1 is gone goes on like tuisamis ,It doesnt matter how well u look after the patient ure loved 1 ure still gonna get a kik in the teeth as for the ripples they go out so far, u dont think ull gt past the first day but u do u have to? esp for the kids,they need me more than ever now,because am mum ,i love bein a mum its harder work as they grow into adults but the feelings never change,_______________________________________________________
In my dreams for months i couldnt find you ,ide climbed mountains been over seas, looked in feilds reacurin dreams for months, then when i did find u ,i had david with me, i thought yyeeehhaarr, ive found u, i was in a small boat with david an u were standin waitin on a wooden plank as if waitin to greet us, but u werent u were theyr to tell me to an david to go home, i was shocked an hurt how could u send me away,? i couldnt touch or even have a kiss,but the place u were was beautifull an island in the middle of the ocean,it was so green an looked so inviting, but we werent allowed even of the boat, i did go as u told me i had to and i was to look after david,i hope am doing well as best as i can,am sure ure lookin down watchin everything i do an if things get hairy i know ull come to my rescue,we had somit special some ppl dont get in a lifetime but we had all our lifetime in 1,maybe thats y it was cut short, becaue it was too good to b true,i remember sailin away in the boat an havin to wave goodbye, u also said u would b theyr for me when its my time to come, about 3weeks after that dream, u were diagnozed we both knew rite away it wasnt gonna b long cause it was ure time ,i think u knew aswell longtime before u told me anything,as u knew only to tell so much,u musta bn scarred ,inside but u neva showed any fear,,hurt,u showed me that we showed eachother y us we asked i couldnt cuddle u or touch u as it was just too sore so we cried head to head an we let it all out, just u an i, we had to b strong our kids allways come first,couldnt let them see what was realy going on inside,but as i watched wither my heart sank further knowin u were leavin,sometime soon was so ? i cannot even put it into words how i felt ,i know it was the worst,so ppl out theyr (cancer)doesnt just eat the person its attackin it eats at all the family an the ripples after ur loved 1 is gone goes on like tuisamis ,It doesnt matter how well u look after the patient ure loved 1 ure still gonna get a kik in the teeth as for the ripples they go out so far, u dont think ull gt past the first day but u do u have to? esp for the kids,they need me more than ever now,because am mum ,i love bein a mum its harder work as they grow into adults but the feelings never change,_______________________________________________________
Life
is supposed to b mapped out, destiny wonder who decided mines? Wonder
if i was a hang man in a previous life. Cause its sure kikin the erse
rightouto being me, if i remember who me is? Oneday, then itll b to late
ave done what i was to do in my life? I dont agree ave got lots to do,
maybe one day i will b able to say ave done? But i doubt it as
i think tjat must b ure dieing day. Life when ur young ur invincible,
then ure wantin to b 18 then 21 , then ur 30, and then ur ? How did i
get to 40 maybe feeling 100 , life also gets faster as u get older ,
this i defo know and harder when it should b gettin esdier? For some
notbeveryone that would b to good to b true an we canny hav that ?.___________________________________________________
I
will start ,ith this an let my fingers, do the talkin ,what u bn upto
the day, av bn ti hell an bk ,an that was only the mornin, lol ,then i
went to all kindss, o places, all in my head, ofcourse, as u need
planes, an things like money, to realy b of, to these destinations,money
eh, funny thing, but it makes the world go round,but it cant buy u happyness,
but it still helps to have some even just a little put by,i wonder if
ave won the lottery then i doubt it cause i neva seen a big finger
pointin at me,lol,but its kl am sure its comin,one day an ill have
fun,we all will,cause i cany take it way me an we all get on in this
world so just how to have a party would do me,we wouldnt need ballons,
as theyll come in their hundreds lol, we dont ned clowns or jaokers
cause theyll allready b theyr, to jion in the circus, an have as much
fun ,as can b had, an even in a big marquee,or tent so no one gets wet
except for sweat lol,am just sittin thinkin o mite wat b or not to b as
long as ma brains,sayin somit, am beter ritin it doon, i allways get the
best thoughts, just as im fallin asleep i allways meen, to have a pen
an paper, handy but neva do, so forget in the mornin, sometimes, somit
will bring, the dream bk, so as i can decipher what it meant,but i only
get wee pieces like a jigsaw an theyr is 1 piece who can neva fit into
any tomorows, again, loads o yesterdays ,an memorys,great, good, happy
an sad, Time goes so fast, when ure havin fun, an it did that,it was a
lifetime, yet sometimes it feels a liftime ,away, then others, its the
here an now,all i know ,is i only have 1 brain weres i had 2, so learnin
to b 1, again is very hard,i hopefully just go with the flow, an wats
inside ,yellin out,but everytime u dare, to think, righty ill dabble my
toes, in the water , theyrs jaws ,ti rip ure erkie, cleen of,f once
again, an sent to try u, my q is y, to make me stronger, y,i dont want
to b stronger i want to rewind,but i know it cannot be done ,as theyr
isnt realy, a time machine is their?if life was so easy as electric
gadgets,o now that would b happiedaze, well shame for a start i canny
work them their tooo flipin hard, tiny tiny wee weee things that send
an recieve all this info all onto a tiny winy wee screen u need a
magnifyin glass,but thats the sign o the times u have ti get with it or b
lefted far behind,Times is gallopin on an i think ave done some
slaverin here lol,so i think ill stop the noo, an come bk another day
to see if its needin finished off,,,,well a nite with me its a barrel o
lafs,,,as u can see,lol,just as well i can talk ti masel ,its just the
answers they neva annoy u cause its wat u were gonna say lol,lifes funny
journey,wonder whatll b happenin tomorow,everydays as diffrent as can b
,the wee 1 sees to that , hes a wee gem am so proud to have such a
special wee person hes done us all proud for his young years, hes very
wise for bein so young,i hope i teach him well, i will not know that
answer for a very long time,,,but just now hes fast asleep in his bed
were he should b an so sweet i could kiss him ,but dont want to wake him
so instead burst with pride,U r 1 amazin kid ,lv u so much ,uve done us
all so proud,so veryy very wize for your young years,great we dancer
,great we singer even tellin jokes, 1 special wee guy ,xxx____________________________________________________
Time
is precoius, every thing is time, time is money,money aint precoius,its
handy thou, u neva truly know whats so ures,till its chappin ,to say
tata for now,U wake 1 day, or u get a fone call , u know before u even
answer it , its too late, ure heart skips a beat, but u still have ti
rush to it,sweatin as u go without even noticin ,its like auto pilot
takes over it has to, or ure left in a heap whist everything around u
,is still as it was, U want ti shout an scream ,u mite even look as if u
r, but u know, in ure heart, theyr lifes, go on ,an so dos, your,s an
what makes your life, your life ,goes on , it has to, as ive said, time
stands still for no one,Autopilot kikin in u get wats to b done
done,,,once all the dust has settled ,then its like did that even
happen, wow what a ride a was on it but i didnt even have time, to do
anything about anything,Time again, before u know it ur in ur 40,s
lookin bk sayin htf did i get to this , then its time again to move on,
but which path ,do i just put 1 foot in front of the other, Its got me
this fAR,Ive made mistakes i musta, no-ones perfect, i dont fink, i
certainly try not to think ,its almost worse than drivin, keep death of
the road drive on the pavement springs to mind, dont know y , its bn a
funny old walk down the road, its had its hills, an its mountains ,an
its seas, Now lets hope we get some decent friggin weather, i dont want
an indian summer or an april shower am sure we all just want a british
weather thatll do nicely as long as its no effin rainin,___________________________________
U
walk along lifes highway bumpinnto life u go your lifes path as ull
know it when ure older,we dont know whats round the corner sometimes we
wish we had a wee sneak preview but its probably best we dont for we r
to learn from these sometimes hardest times of ure lifes, weve to learn
from then at the time we havint a clue wtf hit us but thru time hindsight
is a great thing after ,sometimes ure lucky u get to see the hindsight
but u dont decipher till its too late, then ure like y so u do realy
know whats round the corner or ure self knows if that makes anysence
some1 once told me my brain knew what was happenin before i did, at the
time i was miffed, but now i understand an it is,Its just learnin how to
use it myself, go with the flow i cant change history anyones,This ive
learnt with great heartache an at the cost of a lovely lot o ppl,dreams
also help u in ure future if u decipher them properly as i say hindsight
is great here too ,We all could change the world as we know it with
hindsight, but for what, the place seems to b going crasy or am lost way
bk in a time,Theres always bn a time life goes in a big circle from
what am seein an have listened to from my elders,Great times,happy times
sad times ,same as our times,they say what doesnt kil u makes u
stronger? ??were about!!Even when u feel things liftin again a little
wam kik right in the teeth again ,so am gettin tested ?hhhmmmm ,y, is
that anoher of my lifes path an journey have to find out for myself,What
is it am supposed to b lookin for ,maybe ave found it? i will probably
neva know till im supposed to , when the lessons learnt,Just go thru my
journey being who i am ,who i have bn for all my days an hope for the
best, an expect the worst?I know the worst!!only to well, so which way
now im needin a guidin light ,i know itll come when am least expectin
,an from the least expected,Till then its go with the flow, will my head
ever b the same!!I feel half its missin, but i kn ow its not realy
,itll all work itself out it allways does,so just now ill sit at the
crossroads an watch life as it goes by for i know something will grab
my attention an i will b off on 1 of lifes paths,to meet at the
crossroads once again, time stops for no one its a mater of grab it
whilst you can ,sometimes it takes you to lose somthin to realise theyr
was a plan ,drives u bokers u dont want that plan but thats what u r
gettin wether u like it or not,as soon as u make A plan somit comes outo
hidin to make sure u r knocked clean of that path,lifes journey it may b
long or short but 1 things true we r only here 1x so we beta get our
erkies in gear__________________________________
If
ma heart was a mountan i woulda climbed it just to see if i could see
u, if u were over the sea i would swim to see u once again , if only if,
Just to have u here to hold an cherish an let it b allright, if only,If
i could turn back time i would just to say l ove u one more time,just
to hod u one more time just to show u i loved u so much with all
my heart, billy u were my hereo an allways will b till my diein day,we
all love an miss u so much its bn hard but we ve survived the first
year ,now i can smile at the memorys i know its gettin easier the pain
isnt diffrent neva will just learnin to deal with it thats were am at.
If i could build that stairway with tears alone theyr would b enuf for
us all to come along,just for 1 more party, o happeeedazzzzzze, i miss
u, u will know, ur neva far,from any of our thoughts we miss u so much
but till the days we meeet again love u allways, R.I.P bbz lv forever
from ure lovin wife an familyxxxxxxx____________________________________________________________________________
THE
FRIDAY BEFORE U LEFT , WE HAD A GREAT NITE , U WERE EVEN PLAYIN THE
XBOX IT WAS BRILLL TO SEE U SO ALERT, i loved u then i allways will ure
etched an burned into ma heart, the saturday u were still havin fun with
us we had a great weekend just us lot it was a realy beautifull feelin u
were bk to bein ma old billy even if it was only for those couple o
days it was worth everysecond of it just for the memorys, then on the
sunday u started ti get a bit drowsey i even wrote in my diary is this
the calm before the storm,,the sunday nite a nurse watched u whislt i
went to ma bed ,on the saturday lynn watched u an what fun u gave her we
had our cuddles from u an thankyou to us all from u for carin for u we
woulda done it any ways an we all loved that cuddle an now its 1 o those
happy memories my bbz, on the monday u were hardly up atall they wanted
a nurse ti watch u an am so glad i said no ,, i wanted as much of u as i
could as much time with u , u mite not haf bn quite theyr but u were
theyr i now wat i mean, then on the tuesday morn u woke sayin they were
all here, raisin ure hands motionin as if they were up avove u, ur mum
foned an said this is it karen i cannot remember the fone going down , i
musta said too u not the now billy as david has too go to school an u
done me sp proud u waited on my way home fie the school i seen an
ambulance i said to my friend i need to move now then its lights went on
i said i hav ti run right now an took of am so glad i did, cause we had
another hour an a half an it was u the old proper billy we were laffin u
were lafin it was brilliant the memories make me so sad but also so
happy i had these times with u, i woulda shared them happily but it
wasnt to b for wahat reason ill neva know i dont realy care either it
was u an me doll an thats what mattered, then u musta started to fall to
the side the door rang i went to answer it but left it an ran bk told
the nurse to see to u an she sayed Karen THIS IS IT,i cuddled u an told u
it was ure time to go ude been thru enuf an u didnt deserve anymore u
even had a smile on ure face as if sayin thank fook o how i miss u but i
would nebva wish u bk to go thru all that again ure life seemed full o
pain from the craddle to the grave eh,well i will meet u again cause we r
destined to neva b apart, it still hard to believe ure not here love u
loads an for infinty an so does ure kids an every 1 who knew u ,love u
R.I.P, then after u passed i didnt want u to leave the house but u had
to for david gettin home fie school just aswell my mum was here or that
woulda been a nitemare for david to walk an an see his dad an not get an
answer cause u just looked like u were sleepin so peacefully an u were
an r,i thought that was the nurses job but nope it was ours so my mum
seen to it befpore the bairn got home, i chummed u right to the van had
to move casper an he even went to bite me loyal right to the end chelsea
she came to me when u wouldnt or couldnt give her ure hand but casper
he sat an kept guard till it was time for u to leave , even alfie the
bird he died 11months to the day u left aswell he even s[poke to u first
time eva an his last to say hello to u at new year even richard heard
this an couldnt believe his ears neither could i , then when u were gone
it was total numbness no one knew wat was happenin untill the funeral
directors told us which was only a couple o times 1x to say they had u
the 2 x to say wen ure funeral was to begin, even ure funeral a lot of
ppl came to pay theyr respects to a much loved man ill neva eva forget u
doll u were my life an my mano how we al miss u an will neva stop
missin u they say it gets easier with time ,no u learn to cope, beta
not, less pain to the love an the best o my life we do have 3 treasures
an wea allways were millionares cause o the treasures thats another
thought an story for the good memories we had a great life neva a dull
moment an its still the ruddy same , davids got the magic u had hes
some lad , he is so his fahter right over the back ,an i love u for that
i love u for everything u taught me lots esp for this last while its
taught me how ti cope maybe i am reactionless but its beta that than me
doing somit daft xx
billy david an empty can o beer lol
billy an david
billy an david
new years eve 09
__________________________________________________________________________________________
the best an worst
billy david an empty can o beer lolbilly an davidbilly an davidnew years eve 09__________________________________________________________________________________________
Life
is a bitch an then u meet 1 an then u die a song by NDUBZ, sounds so
cruel but then again sounds so real, but life is all about testin u as a
person they say , well what it tryin ti do to me ?i sometimes wonder
not that am planin on going anywere in the near future or the distant
future but u just neva know eh, y do things have ti happen everything
for a reason its said its up to us to desipher the reason wonder how
long we get, if we dont tipple in time somit else comes along to bit
ure erse cleen off,well ave nea ass left so ull b takin ma legs an even
the theyr like pencils so u wouldnt get much for them either maybe its
ma brain lol ,if i could get out all thats in there i would b a rich
woman but i cant even remember half o it,u neva do wen ure havin fun
cause the time just slips by so fast,u neva take the time to stand an
think its not till ure older an supposedly wizer it all comes to u, well
some of us theyr is the few who neva tipple what theyr about ,do we
feel sorry for them or is it theyr own faults, verbal diareah flys
allover the place when theyrs some activity, guessin hearsay its all it
is unless u were the one i always say theyrs 3 sides to a story , there
side, the others side an the truth, were do i go fie here ill let ma
legs do the walkin cause theyll let me know cause ma feet will tell
them, thank fook cause ma brain is absolutly fried,but not to worry it
will all become clear, 1 day when its too b.____________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Its
been nearly a year ,its hard to believe, it still feels like
yesterday, an i wish u were here,o how i wish, i know u couldnt, make it
better, nothin could,but its so hard without u, i feel allmost sik, i
know ure here in spiri, but i want u here in person, i need to talk, to
u, an hear u say, there, there, there, u kept us sheilded, now i understand,
but its all comeback ,an bit us, cleen on the bum, what has karma to do
with this ?even am at a loss for this answer, 1 y does the wee man,have
so much crap, in his short life, so far its bn 1 thing after another,
an just as i was thinkin its nearly a yea,r weve survived this long
,just too have the rug pulled, clean fie under ma feet ,Life is cruel an
its gettin crueler, i could go to sleep, an quite happily neva wake
up, but this is selfish thinkin ,this, davids the 1, now all my
concentrations on ,hopefully i can do rite by him , i feel a failure as a
mum, how ti start fie scratch,now thats the q, how do i folow on from
this , 1 foot in front of the other an just go with the flow, thats what
i done last year an will probably, have to do for the rest of our
lifes, cause thats what every1 else does ,1 foot in front of the other, I
love an miss u my heart aches, i know we willl meet again but till then
i want u bk, i know i cant, thats just wishfull thinkin on my part,
R.I.P bbz cause u cert wouldnt b restin here,u even tryed to forwarn but
he neva listened, i tryed my best to but am just mum,___________________________________________________________________________________
We
love ,we hate ,we arent even bothered who ?we love for to have our
hearts broken in2, we hate for to break them in 2,,so whats the fine
line in the middle without hate or love ,the world wouldnt go round or
would it,January is such a horrible month full of ppl that have left
this world for the next, Is this hell an the next place heaven? this none
of us will know till we go. Sometimes i feel i cannot wait then i just
look at what ave made an know its not time for me to b at those pearly
gates, far from it i dont know what my purpose is but am sure 1 day i
will find out,i know ave done plenty good an bad,am just hopin the good
far outweighs the bad, i know in my heart it does as am not a bad person
i would much rather do a good than a bad but sometimes u have ti b bad
it mite not even b for urself, but some1,. Just to let them see what a
waste of space they can b, but am glad to say these ppl are far an few
between, but it takes all types to make this world rotate,U used to say
how can u forget what this persons done because i would say i dont want
to b a badun, an b suspended for ever more when its time to close my
door, i love who i love an loved an been loved so if it never happens
again atleast i know ave bn there an done that for many a year._________________________________
The time neva seems to stop or slow down even jst for a mo,,but that wouldnt b life eh,wen u want things to b slow its fast then went u want it to b fat its slow somit like the ruddy weather eh neva happy way that either,well jst a quik note to say about time an how u can neva forget it Tick toc,,neva stop not even for 1 mo._____________________________
When ure young ure invincible,, u can take watever u want?? an theyll b no coseiquences??well i know for a fact that when ure older an in need o pian releif it doesnt work cause uve abused them wen u didnt realy need them, so if u end up in pain nada type o pain releif will work ,, they should make this a public health warnin,,ure brain receprtors dont work cause theyve been workin overtime wen u abusin, so wen the time comes they dont know how to work,,i ve watched this first hand an it realy isnt fare ,the dr,s wont admit it, but they should some will,b ut wont help,that means spendin their funds to help some1 whos helped them selves for years ,u would think it came ooto their poket well if it keeps up the way it is it will b comin ooto their pockets,, the illness also has a name(alidinia) i think its spelt like that,, it wasnt diagnozed till 1 week before billys passin so ppl jst thought i would share that with use??_____________________________________________________________________________
I
know they say legends dont have a lot of time,, thats y i thought u
should have a rhyme,, You taught me what i needed to know for our
freirelationship to grow. Now am returnin the favour, by being ure
daughters savoiur. Everyone that met u could do nothin but respect u,
some out of love some out of fear all i can say is i wish u were here,.
U brought me allot of pleasure an left us three treasures,. Althou you left young u still had all the fun. I know ure down sayin smile don,t rown but its hard to do bcause we all miss u, Karen,s doing fine, atleast at this time she has support for the lump in her throat. Karen u were never givin enuf credit you were due but inthe end all he ever wanted was u,. Lynns diong we,ll thou wen her eyes start to swell ias she lets out whats inside I,ll be theyr for my bride,. Thanku for blessin me with a wonderfull girl. I know to us both that she means the world, Bill,s a new man i have to give him a cheer he,ll be the one to get them thru this year,. Althou at this time he may need some guidance, thats support,provided by us,. As for davie u know he,s a soldier but everyone,s here for to cry on their shoulder. You held him tite whilst battlin the tears,, Wh,d have thought ansaother child after all these years.
Your eyes wide filled with pride when your grandaughter Skye came into ure life. You held her tite whilst beamin into the eyes of ure beautifull grandaughter skye,. Buffs had it rough but he is stayin tuff,.n The problem the time was never enuf.
YOu were the strengh, U were the rok if there was one thing i coud do is turn back the clock but when u were takin with hearts breakin. You,ll be there to answer our prayers an wen times r tough ull get us thru stuff.
You were a wonderfull man with always a plan nothin too big or small u handled it all. Now ure gone the unit will stay strong to get each other like you,d want them too.
I was honoured to have met u an will never foget u. I look thru old pics an ask myself y did u take such a wonderfull guy,, We,ll tell david an skye to look up high for the biggest brightest star bcause thats what u were right to the ed a father, husband,,grandfather an friend,. We,ll see u again but not too soon just make sure its bouncin an theres a smokin room...WILLIAM MCARDLE 30/06/1964=26/01/2010R.I.P_________________________________________________________________
_The time neva seems to stop or slow down even jst for a mo,,but that wouldnt b life eh,wen u want things to b slow its fast then went u want it to b fat its slow somit like the ruddy weather eh neva happy way that either,well jst a quik note to say about time an how u can neva forget it Tick toc,,neva stop not even for 1 mo._____________________________
When ure young ure invincible,, u can take watever u want?? an theyll b no coseiquences??well i know for a fact that when ure older an in need o pian releif it doesnt work cause uve abused them wen u didnt realy need them, so if u end up in pain nada type o pain releif will work ,, they should make this a public health warnin,,ure brain receprtors dont work cause theyve been workin overtime wen u abusin, so wen the time comes they dont know how to work,,i ve watched this first hand an it realy isnt fare ,the dr,s wont admit it, but they should some will,b ut wont help,that means spendin their funds to help some1 whos helped them selves for years ,u would think it came ooto their poket well if it keeps up the way it is it will b comin ooto their pockets,, the illness also has a name(alidinia) i think its spelt like that,, it wasnt diagnozed till 1 week before billys passin so ppl jst thought i would share that with use??_____________________________________________________________________________
richards ryme in honour of billy xxx
U brought me allot of pleasure an left us three treasures,. Althou you left young u still had all the fun. I know ure down sayin smile don,t rown but its hard to do bcause we all miss u, Karen,s doing fine, atleast at this time she has support for the lump in her throat. Karen u were never givin enuf credit you were due but inthe end all he ever wanted was u,. Lynns diong we,ll thou wen her eyes start to swell ias she lets out whats inside I,ll be theyr for my bride,. Thanku for blessin me with a wonderfull girl. I know to us both that she means the world, Bill,s a new man i have to give him a cheer he,ll be the one to get them thru this year,. Althou at this time he may need some guidance, thats support,provided by us,. As for davie u know he,s a soldier but everyone,s here for to cry on their shoulder. You held him tite whilst battlin the tears,, Wh,d have thought ansaother child after all these years.
Your eyes wide filled with pride when your grandaughter Skye came into ure life. You held her tite whilst beamin into the eyes of ure beautifull grandaughter skye,. Buffs had it rough but he is stayin tuff,.n The problem the time was never enuf.
YOu were the strengh, U were the rok if there was one thing i coud do is turn back the clock but when u were takin with hearts breakin. You,ll be there to answer our prayers an wen times r tough ull get us thru stuff.
You were a wonderfull man with always a plan nothin too big or small u handled it all. Now ure gone the unit will stay strong to get each other like you,d want them too.
I was honoured to have met u an will never foget u. I look thru old pics an ask myself y did u take such a wonderfull guy,, We,ll tell david an skye to look up high for the biggest brightest star bcause thats what u were right to the ed a father, husband,,grandfather an friend,. We,ll see u again but not too soon just make sure its bouncin an theres a smokin room...WILLIAM MCARDLE 30/06/1964=26/01/2010R.I.P_________________________________________________________________
Those
we hold dear,,cant sometimes stay or b near,but in ure memorys they
stay fresh an aware,their might b no tomorrows ,,except what u
create,,,sometimes just wishin away the time,,That we shouldnt do for
all that we do,, we should all learn to share,no matter how silly,,there
is always someone near,,It might not b who u want at the time but just
b gratefull ure not on ure todd,,by urself,,That someones actually
theyr,,In times o bad, u dont have to talk some ppl just cant,,cause
their heads alover the place due to some of what theyve endured,,so for
to say anythin bad o this person is realuy bad o u esp when u dont realy
know just what theyve been thru,,once youve walked a mile in their
shoes then u can comment on how they feel untill then ull never know
excactly what an how they feel,,If its ure job or a connection just
standin silently by their sides is a way of carin an sharin,,not pullin
them to shreads,, that aint good for ure head,,,Shame realy cause its
never about any of the ppl standin by its all about the patient ,,then
after the affent,,its the ppl that r left that have all the pain an
guilt"i shoulda said this i shoulda said that " but thats not an issue
,,for its too late to say what u meant ,,its the pain u take to the
grave,,but now i understand my journey now i can teach what ave learnt
an be proud,,and stop the doubt,,as i did stand strong,,for my loved 1
had wanted an sayed,,now we were partin in our ways ,,everyday ill miss u
everyday il think wat if,, but now its all hindsight i done my best an
for that u thanked me ,,for which i hold dear,u didnt have too it was my
duty as ure wife to carry all ure wishes out,,,R.I.P babes 
i luv u yes i do cause i know that u love a me too
dad an david, happiedaze
gies a grope doll
billy an davidxxx
aww my grandaughter
gimmie some o ure hair lol
billy ,casper,an chelsea
dad an david
billybilly an davidxxxbilly an davidxxx
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Today was fathers day,, our first in 26years without him ,,my husband, my childrens father,,It doesnt seem real without him yet we know hes not here ,,yet we know he walks beside us,,,and that does bring somekinda comfort in some kinda way,,,we made it fun for the wee man the elder 1,s know the full excent of daddy,s not here???Wen ure 5 u live for the moment not 1months down the line, or even 2 mins lol ,,there,s just no stoppin a young kid an its brill to watch ure flesh an blood grow to be , all u wished, an blessed ,for them but it doesnt aslways work out that easy as am sure alot o ppl will know,,then wen ure down an u camnt go down anymore theirs always somethin or some1 to give that wee bit more,,Then u start to lose faith in mankind "were is the love" ppl are scared almost even too scared to let any1 know anythin? incase of wat???i realy dont know,,If u live ure life in a decent sorta manner an treat others as u wish ure self ,, and never kik any1 on their way down? as u neva know ?wen u might bump into them !again for them,? to return the favour!,,lifes sometimes worse than a yoyo? but thats the ladders,, o time, if u can get on that ladder, hang on tite, its realy quite easy? u just realy have to care!! about ure fellow human man ,,,Life is for livin sometimes we take it all for granted an dont show we care, till its too late,,Then the anger sets in an then u canny win esp wen uve been tryin and givin wat u thought was ure all only to be kiked in the teeth again, y do we let this happen??cause were not the bams, an certanly not to blame? thats just a cop out? an u should feel, shame?Some ppl just dont know how???Wat ever happened to old school veiws atleast u knew were u stood,,and ppl werent scared to share,,but all thats gone now except the odd few, which are my friends an some o my family i hold dear, think of them often, as theyr the 1,s who kept u, here!! wen times! were down u showed u cared?,,,Its like startin to walk right from a baby life is hard,,once u get movin thou u,,,shoiuld b on track,,go with ure instincts ,,cause theyll get u there in good an bad times they show they care an theyr always theyr,,,love an blessins karen mcardle
______________________________________________________________________________________
i luv u yes i do cause i know that u love a me toodad an david, happiedazegies a grope dollbilly an davidxxxaww my grandaughtergimmie some o ure hair lolbilly ,casper,an chelseadad an davidbillybilly an davidxxxbilly an davidxxx_______________________________________________________________________________________
Today was fathers day,, our first in 26years without him ,,my husband, my childrens father,,It doesnt seem real without him yet we know hes not here ,,yet we know he walks beside us,,,and that does bring somekinda comfort in some kinda way,,,we made it fun for the wee man the elder 1,s know the full excent of daddy,s not here???Wen ure 5 u live for the moment not 1months down the line, or even 2 mins lol ,,there,s just no stoppin a young kid an its brill to watch ure flesh an blood grow to be , all u wished, an blessed ,for them but it doesnt aslways work out that easy as am sure alot o ppl will know,,then wen ure down an u camnt go down anymore theirs always somethin or some1 to give that wee bit more,,Then u start to lose faith in mankind "were is the love" ppl are scared almost even too scared to let any1 know anythin? incase of wat???i realy dont know,,If u live ure life in a decent sorta manner an treat others as u wish ure self ,, and never kik any1 on their way down? as u neva know ?wen u might bump into them !again for them,? to return the favour!,,lifes sometimes worse than a yoyo? but thats the ladders,, o time, if u can get on that ladder, hang on tite, its realy quite easy? u just realy have to care!! about ure fellow human man ,,,Life is for livin sometimes we take it all for granted an dont show we care, till its too late,,Then the anger sets in an then u canny win esp wen uve been tryin and givin wat u thought was ure all only to be kiked in the teeth again, y do we let this happen??cause were not the bams, an certanly not to blame? thats just a cop out? an u should feel, shame?Some ppl just dont know how???Wat ever happened to old school veiws atleast u knew were u stood,,and ppl werent scared to share,,but all thats gone now except the odd few, which are my friends an some o my family i hold dear, think of them often, as theyr the 1,s who kept u, here!! wen times! were down u showed u cared?,,,Its like startin to walk right from a baby life is hard,,once u get movin thou u,,,shoiuld b on track,,go with ure instincts ,,cause theyll get u there in good an bad times they show they care an theyr always theyr,,,love an blessins karen mcardle
______________________________________________________________________________________
___
I dont hav a title, for this or these words maybe wen am finished i will,?firstly m talkin ti ma sel lol its wen i answer or start arguin with masel i suppose i should worry but till then am jst gonna go with whats in ma ruddy head, O this will b fun,even for me jst to see what am writin without even thinkin,it could b rubbish it could b a best seller but what eva it came fie me an whats within me deep,i wonder how do i do it ,i honestly dont know i realy do jst go with the flow,somtimes its ok others i could scream but i wont cause thats not me am too quiet inside or am i jst waitin to let out whats realy inside i dont feel as if theyrs anything deep but everyone has somit they dont wont to lose an when u do it gos deepuntill it rears its ugly head an sends u half bammy wonderin if ure fully bammy but thankgod i dont think so yet lol,maybe i am maybe everyone else is zane an am the nutter but i know theyrs worse than me the only problem with me is i see to much without even lookin it just comes to me sometimes its a milestone round ma neck then other times its saved from near death so am glad am who i am i mite b a little strange but arent we all its the 1,s who think theyr magic that r realy the ones, the skeletons in the cupboard all waitin ti haunt u an karma that i strongly beleive in i know it works ave seen it enuf, it mite take minutes it mite take months even years but its a desert best served cold,even thou i wish no one no harm its not me i would much save u from a harm but when u get treated like a bam ,thats when u know its gonna bite them on the bum sad as it is an ill bet it was thought it was all me no i was only carrien out what i was to do,well its bn near a yer now its hard to beleive but am startin to smile at the memorys last year i couldnt have even remembered these things my mind was a blank it had bn so attacked it didnt know what the drill was just that everything was about to change forever, an it broke more than my heart it boke my kids thats apart o me i suffered as much as i could for them too, now weve come this far am proud to say it was a lovely ride the whole near on 30years the good the bad an the down righty ugly it was all for us to learn an that we did so we thought but we had the biggest lesson still to come, an we all done it u helped as much as u could too il,l neva forget ur ways i loved u for who u were not what ppl portray ,u were difrent with ure family as everyone is outsiders were neva sure o u but once they got to know u then they would usualy stay friends unless they done somit to spoil it ppl loved u billy so much u were so well thought of i know u woulda bn happydazed with that,u were 1 o the 1,s who things jst came ti no mater what an i loved u for that an allways will an so will ure kids an grandaughter an every1 else cause that was u right to the end
I dont hav a title, for this or these words maybe wen am finished i will,?firstly m talkin ti ma sel lol its wen i answer or start arguin with masel i suppose i should worry but till then am jst gonna go with whats in ma ruddy head, O this will b fun,even for me jst to see what am writin without even thinkin,it could b rubbish it could b a best seller but what eva it came fie me an whats within me deep,i wonder how do i do it ,i honestly dont know i realy do jst go with the flow,somtimes its ok others i could scream but i wont cause thats not me am too quiet inside or am i jst waitin to let out whats realy inside i dont feel as if theyrs anything deep but everyone has somit they dont wont to lose an when u do it gos deepuntill it rears its ugly head an sends u half bammy wonderin if ure fully bammy but thankgod i dont think so yet lol,maybe i am maybe everyone else is zane an am the nutter but i know theyrs worse than me the only problem with me is i see to much without even lookin it just comes to me sometimes its a milestone round ma neck then other times its saved from near death so am glad am who i am i mite b a little strange but arent we all its the 1,s who think theyr magic that r realy the ones, the skeletons in the cupboard all waitin ti haunt u an karma that i strongly beleive in i know it works ave seen it enuf, it mite take minutes it mite take months even years but its a desert best served cold,even thou i wish no one no harm its not me i would much save u from a harm but when u get treated like a bam ,thats when u know its gonna bite them on the bum sad as it is an ill bet it was thought it was all me no i was only carrien out what i was to do,well its bn near a yer now its hard to beleive but am startin to smile at the memorys last year i couldnt have even remembered these things my mind was a blank it had bn so attacked it didnt know what the drill was just that everything was about to change forever, an it broke more than my heart it boke my kids thats apart o me i suffered as much as i could for them too, now weve come this far am proud to say it was a lovely ride the whole near on 30years the good the bad an the down righty ugly it was all for us to learn an that we did so we thought but we had the biggest lesson still to come, an we all done it u helped as much as u could too il,l neva forget ur ways i loved u for who u were not what ppl portray ,u were difrent with ure family as everyone is outsiders were neva sure o u but once they got to know u then they would usualy stay friends unless they done somit to spoil it ppl loved u billy so much u were so well thought of i know u woulda bn happydazed with that,u were 1 o the 1,s who things jst came ti no mater what an i loved u for that an allways will an so will ure kids an grandaughter an every1 else cause that was u right to the end
Right
from the first time we laid eyes on eachother that was it,we had some
mad times,great times sad times all difrent times but we had it all an
what did we do it got spoilt,it allways has too jst as things r lookin
good boom shot right up ur erkie ,wake up fool we aint dun yit,,when
things were quiet it would neva b long as soon as we said its quiet
somit would let loose mostly it would b good an worth our whiles to go
with the flow, we done that for many a year, an it was great i loved
mostly every minute of it we taught eachother so much,even thou we were
young we thought we knew it all, no one could tell us we knew were we
were headed when we realy didnt but we allways got teyr no matter what
an thats the magic in my memorys its jst took a while to find it, i
thought i lost it when i lost u but no ive found it i jst nd to learn to
keep it up,Every story we told ppl would think o aye weve dun everythin
but we realy did do so much from havin icecream vans to sellin toys an
fancy goods we allways knew how to make a buck either 1 of us we would
take shots at bringin the bacon home but i must take my hat of to u , u
allways managed that we bit harder the agros at how tite i thought u
were now i can smile an laf at even the lights going on, u were so funny
when u had to pay a bill mentill madness untill it was paid then once
the money was takin from ure hand u would b friggin delighted thats 1
more bill,crasy nut job u realy were but u were ma nut job an i loved u
right to the it,ll neva b the end cause even the mornin u left us u left
with a smile i can just imagin u shoutin HAPPY FKN DAZE free from this
pain that was the only savin grace we knew when we first heard it was
bad but not that bad how did they miss it i honestly think they knew but
were waitin on u to come how u did somits not right with the dr,s as if
they dont cRE OR ARENT ALLWOED TO CARE?MAYBE ITS THE WORKLOAD, MY ERSE A
DR SHOULD KNOW HIS PATIENT AN THAT TURD THAT TOLD U HE WASNT RIGHT IN
THE HEED, THE DAY BEFORE UR PASSIN HE SAID URE HEART AN LUNGS WERE
PERFECT??LYNN AN I JST LOOKED AT EACHOTHER THEN THE DDR IN PURE
DISBELIEFoops sos for the caps but am not going back I will neva forget
ur mad ways ur smile ur heart it was all so full o love for us an all
ure family its so right he only takes the best an he broke hundreds o
hearts when he came for u, u neva complained u were so strong that musta
bn were my strenght came from how could i sit an wallow when i knew u
were sufferin it done my head in i couldnt even touch u, then 1 week
before u left they realise u have another illness on top an thats how
know one can touch it broke my heart not bein able to hold u in my arms
whenst in pain but i got my cuddle the mornin u left we had a little
natter everythin seemed so good but yet again it came along an booted me
right into touch,it was ure time an i knew it, i told u on u go u told
me they were here i said go to them doll u haf suffered enuf an with a
smile u took ure last breaths i,ll neva forget that it was like it kik
started me into what had to b dun next an we done it all aranged ure
funeral, then that was it not another word till it was time for u to
realy go it felt an was so sureal my memory of the whole avent is still
not very clear an am sorry to the ppl but it knoked me for 6 losin
someone ide had by myside for near on 30years a liftime am sure ude
agree, an what a great life it was it realy was quality,so thanks ma
darlin husband for the memorys an that i did have U,U were our sunshine
our rain 1 day the links o that chain are gonna b back together an
theyrs loads o us now esp over in aus,We also had 3 treasures that are
what uve left an thats what made us a family we also have others who we
brought up as our own for others had gave up on we allways thought the
best esp in a kid,we seemed to know how treat the situation to make a
happier kid ,those were great days an then our kids flew the nest for to
bring home a granchild who was an is a delight,we also had our late
baby that we did not expect i can still smile when lynn seen our faces
lol, we couldnt believe what another child esp after all these years ,
but as they say everything happens for a reason wether good or bad, when
u found out u were illl u said u were glad it was u, u couldnt handle
it bein 1 o us well u took it all u took it all with so much strenght i
thought u mia faltered but nope u took clean on the chin ,how could i
wallow with pity an b so selfish for u were leavin us that was for sure,
it was jst a mater o time an boy it was fast wam wam wam everythin was a
blurr what a friggin 2 past years an a couple before asswell no
woonder u acted the way u did sometimes i actualy thought u were nuts ,i
can smile now an its feelin gd to know i can see u an smile in ure face
u come to me in ma dreams i dont know what we do but i wake more
knackered than i went to bed lol,we allways went with our dreams they
fortold a few storys for me to tell but will ppl believe i sn this
comin,i dreamt of u going away to the most beautifulll of islands i
searched for u every nite for friggin months for to finaly find u an u
tell me to go home i wasny havin that but i had to do as i was told i
had david an it wasnt time for us we were to go bk u would allways b
waitin but we had to go i couldnt even touch u an the 2 ppl behind the
banana leaves i think i know who they r now,i dreamt the same sorta
dream when my friend ended an cut her life so short i dreamt of this for
months but i wasnt to stop it, it all drives me stir crasy sometimes
but others when things r good i like to say i,ll work oot i hate some o
ma feelins i wish i didnt get them but theyr theyr for a reason ma
intuition an a mothers intu is the best,i thank now for what ave got its
took me a while i didnt feel any pride in what ide dun i was only doing
the wifey thing it broke me in 2 to watch u so hart broken u couldnt
even talk i seen the a lot o the feelings u tried so hard to hide i
watched an a prayed i could help to ease the pain an i fought with those
ffriggin dr,s to make sure u got,but it didnt matter the drugs realy
dont work when ure sufferin as uch they jst dont work,its like toothache
nada works unless u get it takin oot,but the cure wasnt to b ,it worked
so fast it ravaged ur body so fast, i watchin u crumble my husband my
wonderfull man that was so sore to watch u suffer took its toll we bith
had a good greet cause theyr was nowt else we could do but it conected
somit in us that made it more real an also got us ready for what was
about to hit us time it stops for know one its hard somtimes to even
keep up ,i even wonder if u were the luky 1 to escape this race,an i
pray theyr is a heaven i love to think its jst like my dream an thats
what i,ll believe,i miss u so much it realy hurts but am makin headway
as u told me we will live its jst takin abit gettin used too,nnot havin u
around its bn such a fast time this last while_______________________________________________________________________
to
walk hand in hand is now only a memory, my stomachs doing backflips i
miss u so much , i jst want b with u an i jst want to talk to u an touch
u smell u , i can hear ure voice but its not whats needed i need u, my
brain its like its bn cut in half i miss u so much,Its hard to believe 1
year near ehuf an u had to leave, in the friggin cruelest possible
way ,the only savin grace was it was so fast now i lie an think of
loads o yesterdays but no more tomorrows , its so hard to take in esp
when i think ure comin bk all the time its as if uve never left , i can
feel ure presance strong but i cannot reach u, maybe in ma dreams i know
we walk then i can see that but i still want u here an real to the
touch , the only way is more love ive gave u all of everything of me for
years its so hard to stop an change what ave known for my lifetime its
hard an i miss u like crasy,we willl b together again 1 day but till
then i realy need to get a grip an get on with livin even thou i think
ur gonna come home i know in my heart ur not realy or are u,y am i
feelin this tonight is everythin ok with pur family my tummys doin
tumbles i jst want it too stop plz help from ure side u musta helped
billy the other nite some1 was watchin him or he woulda bn joinin u for
sure thank you, ________________________________________________________________________________
Just as u think its safe to go inti the water somit comes to drag u doon,neva mind jaws when ure brains on ull alert evan jaws would keep oot ure road but ure own kids u canny keep them out ure rd so maybe i will just eat the 1 am moanin about right now,Kids if am not growin up hows ma kids suposed ti, i want to b the ruddy bairn fur a change jst fur the day see how u like it,my kid i mean well my adult kid do they eva grow up or should a say wake up pls tell me am jst moanin for the heck o it pls pls pls,U were doin so well whats the friggin attraction or is it whats between ure ruddy legs u fool o ull wake up 1 day an say wtf but by then u will of pissed so many of ur word will b mud an for what a piece o mud,maybe am going too far its ma thoughts an am sharin them with ma computer lol,so theyr lolololohahahahahahahah______________________________________________________
Just as u think its safe to go inti the water somit comes to drag u doon,neva mind jaws when ure brains on ull alert evan jaws would keep oot ure road but ure own kids u canny keep them out ure rd so maybe i will just eat the 1 am moanin about right now,Kids if am not growin up hows ma kids suposed ti, i want to b the ruddy bairn fur a change jst fur the day see how u like it,my kid i mean well my adult kid do they eva grow up or should a say wake up pls tell me am jst moanin for the heck o it pls pls pls,U were doin so well whats the friggin attraction or is it whats between ure ruddy legs u fool o ull wake up 1 day an say wtf but by then u will of pissed so many of ur word will b mud an for what a piece o mud,maybe am going too far its ma thoughts an am sharin them with ma computer lol,so theyr lolololohahahahahahahah______________________________________________________
We
were good role models didn`t realize at the time people were looking upto us
but now i know we didnt do such a bad job at leading our life our path
,,until death do us part an that`s what did part us death, u had to go
cause of illness that was o fast an brutal am still in shock don`t think
it`ll ever properly sink in,, but the life we led we done some amazing
things an best of all we shared our joy with others an tha`ts the story`s
people can tell of either our kindness, or how they hated what we done it
doesnt matter cause it seemed rite to us an the kids that r now adults
will always b their for me this i know cause they tell me so,, A lifetime
we were together its hard to start afresh but 1 day ill clar out wats
to b done till then its lying as it should b till i have the heart to get
it done,we had ice cream vans we had some cracking story`s to tell its
not the same telling them now ure not here,i find it hard to muster even
the enthusiasm to up an go, but ill put that down to grief the now its
all still so raw ,last year i neva had a chance to draw breath never mind
of u leaving ,, I even dream`t it but woudn`t believe it, u always said u
would never make 46 an u were 6months an 4days to that date,,nearly
9months now its still a nite-mare it always 1 othem then it had to come
tru,,we also knew how to party an they r some happiedaze somepeople will
never forget their is so much to concentrate on 1,wen they-rs 100,s flyin
round my head,every time we got bored some thing would come along our way
Somit
good for sharin with others our joy an happyness was infecious this i
know cause o the ppl that would come to where we were partyin,its hard
to even think of going out without u,,, i feel u close everyday i know
ur neva far,u promised u would get bk if u could to show me their is
somit after this life an u have !!!ppl can think am crasy but whos the
real crasy 1 not aye lol,most famouse ppl down the history line had
streaks o madness in them an thats good to know lol______________________
IT
is some life for some while others just seem to sail along ,some others
cop it all, esp the vulnerable,,why dont people, care about others, not even
knowing ure neighbors, what a sad time for the so called
community,,Community spirit seems to b old skool, an some o the kids
who,s parent,s have gave their kids manners, i would hate to b a child
growin in this time an age i personally
would of loved the 60,s but i was born 67. I can dream, how i can dream,
They stopped for a while, My dreams just didn`t happen, I`m actually
becoming to dread my dreams as if i could decipher them faster, things
would been so different but it wasn,t to be, it wasn,t only u it was me ,
i didnt want to believe but i had to, u were my all an always had beenn,
its so hard an different without u,I dont miss some o the things, but
mostly i miss just having you, we all do,,Ur wacky ways, ure smile, ure odor, U, i know ure here in spirit i feel u often an i asked u to come
bk if u could an u can,not ever how it was but i know ur here, i know
ure delighted things are starting to take shape, u left us all broken we
couldn`t mend ourselves, so we kept apart but now the time has come for
us to join bk up again, let bygones be gone, forgive an forget an get
on with living cause u never, know how quick, it can all turn, from what`s normal
to god only knows why, the spanner has to be thrown an from a very high
height,it drives me crazy its took this long ,but i had to wait or i
would just be that bam as i was before,,so sad you, left, You were so much
fun, always a man with a plan,,its hard to make any plans but the time
has come to start to live as we should an not live in hope, crazy as it
may sound, i need to carry on esp for our kids an me of-course but my
kids always come first, just as they've always done for u as-well, u were a
great dad u enjoyed it even more when David came along,u were 40 i was
37 we had 2 grown kids 21/18,so thought life was for us now,then Tracey
left she had ,had enough,left my heart breakin because i dreamt of that
too but again neva acted cause i thought it was me,but i knew i wouldn,t
do that as i never had the balls, o how many ppl have left over the
years , theyrs not many left,from our old skool, i miss the crack, the
laughter, the stories i miss it all, but i have my memeorys they stay an
keep me strong, for i have to b thats my role esp for our youngest
son,,Y did life give him this blow at such a young age what a burden to
carry knowin ure dads dyin an next min he,s gone, what does that do to
his little brain y o y o y, i hope i can do this i know i will i just
hope he doesnt do some o the things he has seen, his older bro hes dun
it all his big sister she knows it all, but now we know we all need
eachother its time to come together again an b our family with 1 less it
just doesnt seem right but we need to move on or we will become stuk an
god knows wat will b, Its time to get bk on our paths our journey thru
this our lifes, even thou its hard knowin ur not here we have to carry
on an its happenin just as i knew it would,our kids ar workin davids
brilliant,things ar slowley comin bk to how they were, they will neva b
the same cause losin a husband soulmate an dad, ,brother an son its just
so much to take in ,im still pinchin masel, has this realy
happened,,ofcourse it has, part 1
part 2, This is our life an how it shoulda bn instead of what was thrown in but things are sent to test u an its how u react an decipher the facts,,an the ones who r left, how to carry on when 1 o u is gone,esp the pack leader we r supposed to come fie the apes ,but seemingly they even live on their own well the males after a couple o years,I remember our first hols abroad ,i insisted we go to the zoo, then we should go to the circus ade neva bn, u said lets cut thru here i still laugh at what came next , was the biggest friggin dog an u ran i had to pik ma tummy up to run ,but we made it we had walked right thru the camp, the travelers camp, an ave still neva seen 2 dogs as big as they were. Then we went to the circus ,we had a great time i remeber it well ,my memorys r still strong for the love we shared, we even done a disapearin act oursels as the nite before our departure we had a doo, then next morn u an i went to spain, we were young compared to some,but we got a brilliant place to stay an it didnt cost the earth only 2.50a nite,U nearly drove over the side o the mountain an wen i said u got a frite an then had the cheek to tell me to get out an walk, u had nearly drove over lookin at others who had, times we had some were so funny we had a great life an i thanku for that,an 3 beautifull kids, an taught me most o wat i know,we will survive till the time comes for our chain to b linked again wonder what direction itll get pulled in,cause we could neva stay still for long everyday was somit diffrent an when things got borin somit always happenend we seemed to have done fine for a very young couple,u only 16 an me 13 but we were in love no one was s toppin us,we thought we knew it all an things would just come our way was it luk or our path, it was such a shame i couldnt come on ure last journey i had to walk beside u i woulda carried u if ide had too,but we got to the crossroads an it was u who had ure path chosen for u, am still at that friggin crossroads lookin for u , i know now u should b well on ure path, an thanks for provin theyr is somit after this life!!!! U were an amasin guy, funny ,cheery a tonic ,its so sad ure not alive on this earth but i know u walk beside me everyday,,an ty for spain david thought u had hitched a lift on the plane lol i said nope son hes done it himsel cause he can he has his own wings, an that star shone,even disapearin once we were settled in our room, the star left the nit before the morn we left, but it was theyr wen we went out? David solved it he said u were away home bcause u cant see the star durin the day, an wen we stepped of that plane the star was there as if to say reasuringly IM HERE,time is a healer i know ave loads to go but i can think of things in a new light,Ill neva stop thinkin an missin u none of us will,cause when u had to go we were all left, am relieved ,it was fast for ure sake, i coulda bn very selfish, an went on foreva but it wasnt to b, u needed to go ,an the last weekend was a joy ,u were like old billy , i even rote on sunday mornin , is this the calm before the storm!!an yip it was!! cause it wasnt 2 days an u left. The next few days turned ino weeks then months o how i hurt an i seen not just ure pain from ure disease i seen what u couldnt beleive!!!u even said?? but thats all history now an time to move on ,i wonder whats for us next david an i,should we still just go with the flow or take a grip??ave spoilt david rotten over this last while am his mum i need to cushion the blow as much as i can,my feelins r strong but when i see his wee lip quiver an his eyes gaze over i know hes thinkin of his daddy,. Love to u foreva an a day, infinity infact,,see u on the other side,,??????;):):):)xxxxxxR.I.
This
would be our 20th years married an 30year together,,doesnt time fly
when ure enjoyin urself,,i sit an think of u everyday am wonder what
might have been,,but god seen u were ill an come an took u away up an
into his arms u went,,leavin our hearts breakin but ure pain gone
,,thats what keeps us going knowin ure not in pain,,if u could come back
,but thats only if onlys,,we all miss u so much ure smile ure charm,ure
magic tales o how hard its been not to have u by my side,,i know ure
theyr in spirit but thatll never be the same as in person,but i hold our
heads with pride as wee made ure last while on earth as comfy as we
could u still had to break our hearts ,,the links of the chain will
oneday b hole again,We will never stop lovin u an never forget what u
truly ment to us,,we often ask y,,but there is no answer theyr ,now all
we have is hindsight,,an it aint anygood to us now cause we cant have
u.Love u forever happy anniversary my billy,ure forever lovin
wifexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx________________________________
part 2, This is our life an how it shoulda bn instead of what was thrown in but things are sent to test u an its how u react an decipher the facts,,an the ones who r left, how to carry on when 1 o u is gone,esp the pack leader we r supposed to come fie the apes ,but seemingly they even live on their own well the males after a couple o years,I remember our first hols abroad ,i insisted we go to the zoo, then we should go to the circus ade neva bn, u said lets cut thru here i still laugh at what came next , was the biggest friggin dog an u ran i had to pik ma tummy up to run ,but we made it we had walked right thru the camp, the travelers camp, an ave still neva seen 2 dogs as big as they were. Then we went to the circus ,we had a great time i remeber it well ,my memorys r still strong for the love we shared, we even done a disapearin act oursels as the nite before our departure we had a doo, then next morn u an i went to spain, we were young compared to some,but we got a brilliant place to stay an it didnt cost the earth only 2.50a nite,U nearly drove over the side o the mountain an wen i said u got a frite an then had the cheek to tell me to get out an walk, u had nearly drove over lookin at others who had, times we had some were so funny we had a great life an i thanku for that,an 3 beautifull kids, an taught me most o wat i know,we will survive till the time comes for our chain to b linked again wonder what direction itll get pulled in,cause we could neva stay still for long everyday was somit diffrent an when things got borin somit always happenend we seemed to have done fine for a very young couple,u only 16 an me 13 but we were in love no one was s toppin us,we thought we knew it all an things would just come our way was it luk or our path, it was such a shame i couldnt come on ure last journey i had to walk beside u i woulda carried u if ide had too,but we got to the crossroads an it was u who had ure path chosen for u, am still at that friggin crossroads lookin for u , i know now u should b well on ure path, an thanks for provin theyr is somit after this life!!!! U were an amasin guy, funny ,cheery a tonic ,its so sad ure not alive on this earth but i know u walk beside me everyday,,an ty for spain david thought u had hitched a lift on the plane lol i said nope son hes done it himsel cause he can he has his own wings, an that star shone,even disapearin once we were settled in our room, the star left the nit before the morn we left, but it was theyr wen we went out? David solved it he said u were away home bcause u cant see the star durin the day, an wen we stepped of that plane the star was there as if to say reasuringly IM HERE,time is a healer i know ave loads to go but i can think of things in a new light,Ill neva stop thinkin an missin u none of us will,cause when u had to go we were all left, am relieved ,it was fast for ure sake, i coulda bn very selfish, an went on foreva but it wasnt to b, u needed to go ,an the last weekend was a joy ,u were like old billy , i even rote on sunday mornin , is this the calm before the storm!!an yip it was!! cause it wasnt 2 days an u left. The next few days turned ino weeks then months o how i hurt an i seen not just ure pain from ure disease i seen what u couldnt beleive!!!u even said?? but thats all history now an time to move on ,i wonder whats for us next david an i,should we still just go with the flow or take a grip??ave spoilt david rotten over this last while am his mum i need to cushion the blow as much as i can,my feelins r strong but when i see his wee lip quiver an his eyes gaze over i know hes thinkin of his daddy,. Love to u foreva an a day, infinity infact,,see u on the other side,,??????;):):):)xxxxxxR.I.
What
a week baby,if only it was that easy just to see u walk up into the
house 1x more ,but i know u can,t,O my heart is so sore an i cant
beleive how strong ave been i know i have to b strong but i sometimes
wish i wasn,t the strong 1 i ant to cry my eyes oot , but it never seems
the rite time,We miss u so much , just even if u were still walkin on
this earth but nope ure up high with the angels rite upabove,, Our
youngest doesnt like the stars anymore cause he doesnt know which 1,s u,
he even had tears in his eyes but he is bein so brave i want him to cry
but everytime he does he seems to stop it as quik as its started?
Hopefully this holiday will help, He is so strong for his 5 years im
even wonderin if too strong?? for his own good, i hope im doing it all
rite , raisin our son with out u by my side , i know u,ll guide me an my
own comensence will,. Maybe were not admittin it proprely that u realy
have gone no more tomorrows with u but plenty memories enuf to keep us
going for life ,Cause it was so true we did have a lot o fun ,we like
everyone else had our share of ups an downs, but hey thats just friggin
life, just when u think uve got a handle on life somit breaks that
handle, an ure left sayin wtf happened theyr ??lifes a bitch but we r
all comin to were ur at that is for sure,Hopefully not so soon an then
again not to long,
Am left
wonderin y y y wats the powers at be yyy wat is it ave realy to do ,i,ll
go with the flow i always ave even made u laf,an made others laf too, i
know am not mad just have a weird way lol, but its gonna be my way
cause its been so sore to learn who i am for 1 is very hard, some1 once
said karen u have so many doors to u??i didnt understand but now on
hindsight its all so clear its enuf to make me sik, but its all my
protection how ave learnt to function over the years an am not a bad
person an i dont think any1,s bad untill they prve just what a dafty the
truly r, ave no time for chit chat an gossip i like ppl to do well i
praise that but some ppl seem to hate when others r gettin on with their
very own life???some ppl r down right weird, but what is normal i ask
myself???what is it most of the ppl down the centurys the 1,s who have
stayed in the histoy books have some madness in them some were along
theyr path, Whats for u wont miss u but u can help cushion the blow by
bein a better person for lessons uve been shown ,,i was young once too
it all seems so far away those teenage years ,twenties, thirties all
gona an now part of history our history the ppl just now ,there is also a
sayin about the power of six?it means that within 6ppl another will
know someone so every1 ends up connected wether we like it or no,its not
up to us its up to whats for us as long as ure tru to urself an treat
others how u wish to b treated,even manners seem to have disapeared yet
mines stay an so will my childs as i beleive we treat others how we
would like to b treated an its realy quite easy dare i say even a nice
hello can make some1,s day,. The world seems a little bonkers rite now
fightin ,disasters ppl just dont seem to like one an other i wonder y
ppls nosesr so out o joint, we r all indians yet ppl try to be cheifs we
have enuf ppl who r cheifs so y try an act like 1, even some get used
an put on the pedalstill of life i,ll call it, an the higher the chair
the higher the fall for the person sittin on the pedalstill,sometimes
its a shame cause the person doent even realise theyr gettin used till
they fall from the chair,then it all comes rushin in y didnt i see that
comin cause u were enjoyin playin cheif???u didn notice how high ure
chair had become sometimes theyrs someone to catch u if u fall,but dont
go lookin as these ppl r very few r far between ,.______________________________________
Facebook © 2015 __________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________
Last
Always
the last to know, Left wonderin y, Y is it so cruel an yet so good y,s
have a lot to answer too,No wonder a childs word is y,our kids was how,
Even thou we knew well before in our hearts , our hearts are left
bleedin an broken like a twig on the ground,Lifes so diffrent without
u, Its almost surreal, Its me i have to get a grip, instead of being the
strong 1, i just want u bk to cuddle up in ure arms an u say its ok
everything always works out, Yet i know it isnt possible i can dream,.
There is no hope of seein u later , untill its my turn , till that day, i
will always hold u dear, an close to my heart U,ll always stay. Now how
do i get on without u, its so sad to watch our kids missin u, that
breaks me to , watchin our babys bein all blue an so so sad, 1 day the
links of our chain will be all jioned up once again, i can,t say hurry
up that day as our time on this earth isn,t over, we have things to do ,
dont quite get what it is, but will always go with the flow esp for our
kids,
U left so quik it just wasn,t fair atall it was so fast at gettin rite thru ure whole body ,even going to the hospital we knew it was bad as soon as the dr said, So we went home in silence shocked stunned, i even checked the internet to see what could be done, so i was all geared up for the next dr,s app,,. That Dr will probably never ever stop wonderin how u reacted the way u did, u said (great), we were all blown away but u were up an ready to bolt i could only ask the simplest fastes q,s for the answers to my prayers but the answer was to b fatel,There was nothin that could be done ,even the dr said no billy its not great, but u bein u took it in ure stride as if just told u , u had the flu,Thats when the nite mare begins is when the diagnozes comes thru an theyr isnt no medicine to stop it ,slow it down, but even that wasn,t worth it cause it slowed nowt doon,,The only good thing is u only suffered for so long i coulda an woulda went on forever but that woulda been cruel of me an selfish.Its still so sureal that u realy aren,t comin bk, i see well what i think is u an my heart jumps but i know in my heart it realy isn,t u,U were an amasin person yet u always doubted ureself,? Then u started even doubtin us ure own kin that was horrible an it was horrible to watch u suffer so much,
We all had a great weekend with you ure last u even got up an played the xbox an it was billy , not the poor soul u had become , u even commented on that "am glad its me an not any of use"and thanked us an gave us all kisses an cuddles as if something knew this was it even thou we knew that was the fate we still werent ready an still aren,t but i know what route ave to take an make sure david grows up an is a credit to us as parents,The older two r worse kids r so resilant , god knows were i would b without him,he gives me the courage an strengh i need to carry on.
We realy did have alot of fun an were so luky to have met at such a young age ,so we grew together an for nearly 30years a liftime to others it seems like yesterday to me,i have ure voice an u on vidoe but itll never replace u nothin could do that cause for some reason u were unique 1 o the old school, an u were always welcomed with open arms,no matter we we went,We had some mad ,great an sad times but we had them i dont have them all on pictures but i have mmillions o pics in ma head, their the real special ones of just u an me an what we were like over the years time went so fast , it always does when ure enjoyin urself,, now no more tomorrows with u plenty yesterdays millions 30years worth , an 3 beauts of kids, we done well we had mistakes dont we all ,thats life its wat u leanr from ure mistakes,hopefully it makes u a wizer person? Its up to u every1? has choices?!!! i was told once!! an am glad i had mines !! i seem to have done ok up to now it,ll never leave me this pain of (emptyness) Life realy can b a bithch at times ,but were only suppossed to get what we can cope with ? this is in the bible,I was quoted it from a young muslim an shes at peace with herself but it was me that told her all she said to me about 4years earlier lol an then years later shes sayin the same as i had said so what goes around does come around ,, As long as ure true to ureself an treat others how u want to b treated ureself then all should b ok,, but theyr is always somebody out theyr who just be nice think bad o ppl first no go by ure own gut feelins , i do an its got me this far an i seem to be doing great ,?? dont know about that but everydays diffrent, an this is how it should be for to keep me busy instead of sittin thinkin then analyisin wat ave just thought about then analyisin that lol crackin maself up doing that but its easier said than done come on get a grip some days its like get a grip o fkn wat ,Then u give urself a shake or a good slap lol an wakey wakey quite a rude awakin but it does the trik lol an life carries on doesnt matter how much u want it to even slow down a little but nope, so enjoy what u have bcause u realy do not know whats around the ruddy corner.
lynn an david
aw xmas was good that year
am knackered dad
wats that?????dont worry ill sort it???smilin its easy
david holdin skye
skye
this is quite kl
hibs ground 09
comeon mum
billy an david
love an miss u so so much 4everxxxx
dad u alright am fine dont greet lol its ok ill get u off
lets rock son lol
am nearly finished lol
lynn
stop wrigglin skye or is it bboy lol
awwwwwww
karen,richard,lynn,gordan,billy
Happiedaze
our family
karen an skye
U left so quik it just wasn,t fair atall it was so fast at gettin rite thru ure whole body ,even going to the hospital we knew it was bad as soon as the dr said, So we went home in silence shocked stunned, i even checked the internet to see what could be done, so i was all geared up for the next dr,s app,,. That Dr will probably never ever stop wonderin how u reacted the way u did, u said (great), we were all blown away but u were up an ready to bolt i could only ask the simplest fastes q,s for the answers to my prayers but the answer was to b fatel,There was nothin that could be done ,even the dr said no billy its not great, but u bein u took it in ure stride as if just told u , u had the flu,Thats when the nite mare begins is when the diagnozes comes thru an theyr isnt no medicine to stop it ,slow it down, but even that wasn,t worth it cause it slowed nowt doon,,The only good thing is u only suffered for so long i coulda an woulda went on forever but that woulda been cruel of me an selfish.Its still so sureal that u realy aren,t comin bk, i see well what i think is u an my heart jumps but i know in my heart it realy isn,t u,U were an amasin person yet u always doubted ureself,? Then u started even doubtin us ure own kin that was horrible an it was horrible to watch u suffer so much,
We all had a great weekend with you ure last u even got up an played the xbox an it was billy , not the poor soul u had become , u even commented on that "am glad its me an not any of use"and thanked us an gave us all kisses an cuddles as if something knew this was it even thou we knew that was the fate we still werent ready an still aren,t but i know what route ave to take an make sure david grows up an is a credit to us as parents,The older two r worse kids r so resilant , god knows were i would b without him,he gives me the courage an strengh i need to carry on.
We realy did have alot of fun an were so luky to have met at such a young age ,so we grew together an for nearly 30years a liftime to others it seems like yesterday to me,i have ure voice an u on vidoe but itll never replace u nothin could do that cause for some reason u were unique 1 o the old school, an u were always welcomed with open arms,no matter we we went,We had some mad ,great an sad times but we had them i dont have them all on pictures but i have mmillions o pics in ma head, their the real special ones of just u an me an what we were like over the years time went so fast , it always does when ure enjoyin urself,, now no more tomorrows with u plenty yesterdays millions 30years worth , an 3 beauts of kids, we done well we had mistakes dont we all ,thats life its wat u leanr from ure mistakes,hopefully it makes u a wizer person? Its up to u every1? has choices?!!! i was told once!! an am glad i had mines !! i seem to have done ok up to now it,ll never leave me this pain of (emptyness) Life realy can b a bithch at times ,but were only suppossed to get what we can cope with ? this is in the bible,I was quoted it from a young muslim an shes at peace with herself but it was me that told her all she said to me about 4years earlier lol an then years later shes sayin the same as i had said so what goes around does come around ,, As long as ure true to ureself an treat others how u want to b treated ureself then all should b ok,, but theyr is always somebody out theyr who just be nice think bad o ppl first no go by ure own gut feelins , i do an its got me this far an i seem to be doing great ,?? dont know about that but everydays diffrent, an this is how it should be for to keep me busy instead of sittin thinkin then analyisin wat ave just thought about then analyisin that lol crackin maself up doing that but its easier said than done come on get a grip some days its like get a grip o fkn wat ,Then u give urself a shake or a good slap lol an wakey wakey quite a rude awakin but it does the trik lol an life carries on doesnt matter how much u want it to even slow down a little but nope, so enjoy what u have bcause u realy do not know whats around the ruddy corner.
lynn an davidaw xmas was good that yearam knackered dadwats that?????dont worry ill sort it???smilin its easydavid holdin skyeskyethis is quite klhibs ground 09comeon mumbilly an davidlove an miss u so so much 4everxxxxdad u alright am fine dont greet lol its ok ill get u offlets rock son lolam nearly finished lollynnstop wrigglin skye or is it bboy lolawwwwwwwkaren,richard,lynn,gordan,billyHappiedazeour familykaren an skye
_________________________________
I
feel a note comin on an its only next week an thats gonna b 11 months i
still cant believe u r gone it was so fast an so cruel am so glad for
ur sake it was fast,Wev,e got this far maybe not been as close as ide of
liked in the beginnin but we all had to learn what had just happened to
our perfect family its so easily smashed apart our world just
crumbled into tiny pieces not even just 2 but loads o pieces so more
pieces to put back together, but its nearly done,it,ll neva b the same
as ur not part of the chain ure spirit will allways shine thru in times
of self doubt an sadness at what we truly lost,We all had so many
mountains to climb an we seem to b on our way down now but still neva
get comfy as u jst neva know whats round that corner eh,Ave made loads
of new friends because of my attitude i know theyr true, im glad we had
so many years together u taught me loads an i didnt realise but i taught
u loads too,if only we had of spoke more ,we would known it was just u
an me allways had bn allways will b,o my darlin its so friggin weird
without u here, i know its for a reason ,everything is its just how do i
decipher it?i know i will i always do,but half my brain is missin the
day i lost u ,we analyzed everything an we allways had 2 opionins o
things an 2 answers so what to do,an hopefully we done most of it right ,
right from the start till the end i loved u so so so much,i always
thought i walked in ure shadow, an i did loads o times an u even walked
in mines i didnt even realise, u were allways so sure i followed every
word, as i say u taight me how to b part of who i am today an thankyou
for that theyrs loads ave to thank u for but i,ll wait till our chain is
linked back up again ,then we can talk for ever more o how i truly miss
u,Its time for me to start livin maybe go ti collage or somit just to
get out theyr as i havent got my shadow just my own its so weird
without havin u theyr to fall back on,_____
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Here i am i shout but u keep walkin,u can hear me i know u can,,but u still just walk u don,t even turn around, Did i do somit rong , y wont u look?i know u want to ,,"can i cum" u look but u still keep walkin ave i to follow,,i can,t ,my feet wont let me,u know this its like runnin in quik sand to keep up with u stop movin stay an wait,y u walkin still,u look no emotion , y ,stop, ure away in the disatance ill catch up tomorrow nite when i sleep!!
I,ve hunted for everynite for months for u an u still neva stopped but i did it i found u,,u had that look , i wasnt to come to u ,i wasnt allowed??wev,e fought our hole lifes ,wat do u mean i can,t touch ya,ure mines am yours its ok whats the problem,U haf to go u say,,i ,m in disbelief,i haf to go " hav u any idea how long its took to find u,,i know its time to go ,who,s that 2 o them ,u look but no answer, just ure favce sayin comman sence i had to go an i had the wee man i had to take him too ,we werent allowed to even kiss u goodbye , even thou we did in our wakin lifes ,i now beleive its because were neva apart u mite b on the other side but ur also always by my side, our sides ,its horrible i wasnt allwoed to say goodbye but ow its because its cherio for now .Cherio means till we meet again, ow i understand i can see,but its still so hard without u,but am good an so is the bairn we r tryin to climb this ruddy hill to get bk to somekinda sanity cause normality left the day u passed,what is normal who has the answer,,no one,Its beautifull were u r am iffed i neva got to say cherio in the dream but i suppose i did, i shoulda had the answer sooner instead of readin somit else it was too loate when i realised ure ill, shame lifes such a pain but its all here to test our very own strenghs an how we cope an get thru this horror film ppl r lookin an need guidin theyr just to shy or proud to ask,My dreams allways told us so much i miss ure dreams so much ,not dreams of stardom just whats happenin from day to day, it was good sometimes to have a head start,ppl would say u do know the score an we did esp wen it came to the kids,we would allways do our best we neva looked for any chocolate medals eva ,we loved to give that was us ppl mite slag an say fools but were r theey now,pie in the sky,its s easy to say have a piece its gettin it to the ppl to share but thats hard work ,well i looked an i hunted an i found ya an i went after a while even when u said,i knew i had to go back it wasnt for me it was all about U,it was so fast an sureal ,its still hard to take it in ,but the hurt isnt sureal no its raw am still likin ma wounds an will for a good while,aw baby i love an miss u so much i just thought i would rite a little noteR.I.Pbilly???Here i am walkin this path myself now with our kids an its so difrent but ofcourse it is ,u can only do so much esp wen ure kids become the adults uve tried to make them,but sometimes it doesnt work or so u tink for years till theyve learnt what they have to learn theyr aint nada u can do to stop them when they have an idea,well 1 is they could listen to theyr parent but usualy this isnt even an option so whats to do now tough love can he not see or hear my cries is he even intersted or so selfish hes only worrie is for himself,how did we rear such a selfish twat sometimes then others blows re mind with his thoughtfullness , o y o y o y,it does get harder as the years go by as ure ofspring turn into fully grown so called adults ,well thats what u hoped for ,were do we go rong wat did we miss, wat wat wat if if if is the only friggin answer the now ,but everything for a reason eh good an bad even wenb its nippy as fook,but still u stand by an watch for to catch them when they fall cause they do its as if they set out to fall jst to make sure ur there to catch them an not eva let them down well what about me ure mum ure not a child ur an adult so act like 1 dont give me this life ave had enuf of livin the way we did things haf changed so much u cannot act like a selfish mut,am sorry to hurt an b blunt but if i dinny ure gonna takwe the piss extract some urine talkin verbal diareah well am not wantin that an nears ur wee bro hes a bairn so let him b 1 dont try to fill his head with ur thoughts he has his own,an very clever he is too,so plz dont talk ti him if ur gonna b silly i dont even know if i shouda let u in u beta prove me wrong an show me some kinda respect an some of whats needed an deserved dont treat me like a fool cause am not takin it fi u so dont even try its a shame its come to this but i realy need to kik u up the erse,if i dont am gonna lose u too an that would neva do ure killin ursel slowley its hard to watch am tellin u ave seen it all before its a long slippery slope
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Here i am i shout but u keep walkin,u can hear me i know u can,,but u still just walk u don,t even turn around, Did i do somit rong , y wont u look?i know u want to ,,"can i cum" u look but u still keep walkin ave i to follow,,i can,t ,my feet wont let me,u know this its like runnin in quik sand to keep up with u stop movin stay an wait,y u walkin still,u look no emotion , y ,stop, ure away in the disatance ill catch up tomorrow nite when i sleep!!
I,ve hunted for everynite for months for u an u still neva stopped but i did it i found u,,u had that look , i wasnt to come to u ,i wasnt allowed??wev,e fought our hole lifes ,wat do u mean i can,t touch ya,ure mines am yours its ok whats the problem,U haf to go u say,,i ,m in disbelief,i haf to go " hav u any idea how long its took to find u,,i know its time to go ,who,s that 2 o them ,u look but no answer, just ure favce sayin comman sence i had to go an i had the wee man i had to take him too ,we werent allowed to even kiss u goodbye , even thou we did in our wakin lifes ,i now beleive its because were neva apart u mite b on the other side but ur also always by my side, our sides ,its horrible i wasnt allwoed to say goodbye but ow its because its cherio for now .Cherio means till we meet again, ow i understand i can see,but its still so hard without u,but am good an so is the bairn we r tryin to climb this ruddy hill to get bk to somekinda sanity cause normality left the day u passed,what is normal who has the answer,,no one,Its beautifull were u r am iffed i neva got to say cherio in the dream but i suppose i did, i shoulda had the answer sooner instead of readin somit else it was too loate when i realised ure ill, shame lifes such a pain but its all here to test our very own strenghs an how we cope an get thru this horror film ppl r lookin an need guidin theyr just to shy or proud to ask,My dreams allways told us so much i miss ure dreams so much ,not dreams of stardom just whats happenin from day to day, it was good sometimes to have a head start,ppl would say u do know the score an we did esp wen it came to the kids,we would allways do our best we neva looked for any chocolate medals eva ,we loved to give that was us ppl mite slag an say fools but were r theey now,pie in the sky,its s easy to say have a piece its gettin it to the ppl to share but thats hard work ,well i looked an i hunted an i found ya an i went after a while even when u said,i knew i had to go back it wasnt for me it was all about U,it was so fast an sureal ,its still hard to take it in ,but the hurt isnt sureal no its raw am still likin ma wounds an will for a good while,aw baby i love an miss u so much i just thought i would rite a little noteR.I.Pbilly???Here i am walkin this path myself now with our kids an its so difrent but ofcourse it is ,u can only do so much esp wen ure kids become the adults uve tried to make them,but sometimes it doesnt work or so u tink for years till theyve learnt what they have to learn theyr aint nada u can do to stop them when they have an idea,well 1 is they could listen to theyr parent but usualy this isnt even an option so whats to do now tough love can he not see or hear my cries is he even intersted or so selfish hes only worrie is for himself,how did we rear such a selfish twat sometimes then others blows re mind with his thoughtfullness , o y o y o y,it does get harder as the years go by as ure ofspring turn into fully grown so called adults ,well thats what u hoped for ,were do we go rong wat did we miss, wat wat wat if if if is the only friggin answer the now ,but everything for a reason eh good an bad even wenb its nippy as fook,but still u stand by an watch for to catch them when they fall cause they do its as if they set out to fall jst to make sure ur there to catch them an not eva let them down well what about me ure mum ure not a child ur an adult so act like 1 dont give me this life ave had enuf of livin the way we did things haf changed so much u cannot act like a selfish mut,am sorry to hurt an b blunt but if i dinny ure gonna takwe the piss extract some urine talkin verbal diareah well am not wantin that an nears ur wee bro hes a bairn so let him b 1 dont try to fill his head with ur thoughts he has his own,an very clever he is too,so plz dont talk ti him if ur gonna b silly i dont even know if i shouda let u in u beta prove me wrong an show me some kinda respect an some of whats needed an deserved dont treat me like a fool cause am not takin it fi u so dont even try its a shame its come to this but i realy need to kik u up the erse,if i dont am gonna lose u too an that would neva do ure killin ursel slowley its hard to watch am tellin u ave seen it all before its a long slippery slope
I
feel a new found confidence in how an what am doin, im even startin
to feel a little comfort in me,its like startin fie scratch ,who,s
truley a friend an who,s truly a foe,Im suspicious i know if thats one
thing ave bn taught is neva take nowt at face value untill its bn
proved, an i hope am like that with my pals i would hate to b sayinn 1
thing an doing the other,Now that would
truly not do,,so if ppl want to tell me ill take it as constructive
critisisnm,lol, as u get older u do get stuk in ure ways , but ave
allways bn searchin i dont know what for maybe its my lifes journey an
am gonna keep on bein what i feel from inside ,,as it makes my heart
grow stronger just knowin am not alone,,I used to have this dream of
standin on a brige an am totaly by myself, then traceys dream came fie
that, then a dream billy had in corfu helped us thru that holiday it was
mentill it was like a mini glasgow an we were the only edinburgh ppl
theyr so 1 o the cases went missin an ofcourse they thought it was us,
till they learnt difrent, an even the ppl of the island we mite of only
bn theyr 2 weeks but it felt so much longer,as ppl would toot an say
hello if they met us ,even theyr top holy man took the time out to walk
us up the road the 4 of us, an all the locals were tootin this man an
stoppin an askin if he wanted a lift cause he had miles an miles to go
yet he said no an carryed on with us to our destination then we all
parted ways , that was some experience u woulda realy had to of bn theyr
,,ave lods o happy memorys an way s of not bein hard or times bein so
hard its ok thats only material its what u need not what u dont
have,cause realy if uve got ure family ure health uve got it all ,, dont
get me wrong moneys allways handy but the root of all evil,,so another
reason am glad ave not got money i wouldnt be who i am today an thats
what makes me , so hopefully now ave suzzed that ill win the effin
lottery lol,na am only kiddin but a few grand would come in handy ,,but
its not as bad as first thought an even sayin that is a mountain itself
,,ill love u to ma diein days an miss u forever more an allways b ure
wife but i nd to get on now for everyones sake or am gonna b stuk in a
rut, an that jst wouldnt do now would it,, ave bn theyr done that this
wore the t shirt now am gettin that we bit stronger an believin in me i
forgot all about me u do as a mother u have sacrifices an theyr from
the cradle till the grave for ure children r ure jewel in any crown,an
so satisfiein to see ure off spring grow an do whats for them sometimes u
want to slap them some u want to hug them but u jst haf to b theyr wen
they fall cause thats what a mum is for,, we,ll i,ll hopefully allways b
theyr for mines no mater i hope,,i miss u esp at nite thats when i talk
to the computer rite it all down i have my diary but ave got this an
this,ll do, its just a pile o feelings thru the months an the years an
if it gives some1 some strenght then its bn worth it every step an i
have bn thanked for what i write so i am doin,g allright i know i mite
sound as if am sharin my world, am not just how deep inside, me feels
,ave got to getit out, then ill forget it till if i eva rad it again,so
dnt read to much into it cause am totally mad but am realy glad to say i
aint atall bad,i do care for others esp the 1,s who have shown me theyr
is tomorrows for them ill b foreva gratefull an am not finished yet ,i
know theyrs loads more than that to come, its what ave bbn taught an how
to go forth an do it rite, time itll take cause everydays diffrent an
for sometime will always b, but its diffrent no matter what ure going
thru,everybody has their problems in this day an age an everyone needs
some1 to trust , whats wrong way ppl they dont want ti b nice,y talk,
its jst a front am so suspicious its realy not rite but am gonna stay
this way cause this is were am at an this were am stayin at the now
anyways,i dont know what to do for the rite move from the scheme or let
him grow up in it , an i know whatever its to b it,ll happen whats to b
will b all i know is to follow ma guts an theyll lead the way they haf
done a lot an grew an grew,,i know eerydays difrent thou cause o how i
feel an now am understandin how an y ,am learnin how to handle this blow
an learn fie it from what i can it was so cruel i wonder y but all i
know is its happened an so so fast no answers none atall,some 1 says my
brain does haf the answers but they only seem to come wen am past the
thing but not to worry itll all become clear i can see the wee tinyest
of lights at the end o the tunnel,an that,ll do the now slowley does it
so drivin with the brakes on ,we should a bn together not solo, but it
was chosen like this ,it leaves me so numb,to think of how an what u
went thru an how fast it got from a to b to everywere we didnt know the
whole truth till after u were gone jst excatly were all it realy was, im
still suz with the dr,s too somits not rite theyr an if they keep it up
ill find out itll come to me an then god help them i will know what
they knew,i believe they knew before u even thought o it,jst the way
theyr behavoiurs bn its not excatly a carin profession ure dr,s more
like verbal diareah, but thats ma gripe sad to say but it will cum oot
,,right time to close an take the dogs doon,theyr another distraction am
realy greatfull for an i trained them too i lived these years too but
in a shadow an in a couple gettin on with life so maybe in my own wee
bubble esp over the last 7 years an they say ure life changes every 7
years well going thru mines it doesnt half,an it doesnt care , doesnt
mater whats happenin,if its ure turn its for u theyr aint nowt u can do
except live an love as much the while u can an we did,,._______________________________________________________________________________________________
Life
is a journey from start to end a journey of all from our feelings to
our hates ,it can b cruel, it can b so kool, an yet sometimes so so
sureal, y did u haf to take my man ,? what was the purpose in this i
know everything happens for a reason so y , i wish the answer was that
easy too,, left with loads of if onlys, an loads an loads o good
so ave climbed the mountain so to speak i mite b even near the top i
mite not even b one ring on the ladder but now its time to go with the
flow an try to let go not of u far from it but time to ? honestly i dont
know myself my next move but i know itll come it allways does an ave
got a couple of ideas an i think theyr good its time to put some o the
goodness back into the locakl ppl let them see were all aliens in our
own lands once u go in ure house an shut ure door thats ure land ,but
when out an about its time the neighbours started to talk ,not about my
conduct,cause ppls thinkin of me doesnt bother me todays news tomorrows
chip papers ,not that ave anythin for ppl to talk about me for but
talkin about me leaves others alone, just livan ppl, up abit,every1, is
so depressed, or distant, were is the love?, as a song says, it does
seem to b disapearin, faster an faster, its havin the bottle,t to stand
up, an say hay ppl we live here only 1x,on this here, planet, its all
our homes? sharin is carin an carin is sharin,,i love to hear ppl doin
well for themselves yet u have others who can only pull others down ,yet
they think theyve got it sussed , now they 1,s are laughable ,some r
down right sad, lofe is a bitch an it kiks u so hard when ure least
expectin it,, an it comes to us all whove thought betta of themselves
betta than others no were all the same an we r all unique, we all have
our own ways but when it biols down to stuff were all the same we all
have feelings an bleed the same,, some hurt quietly some do it loud some
do it for attention some jst for the fun,,but if u know ure true as can
b then its not comin for u,cause uve not done nada just gettin on as
best u could, none of us are perfect either but as we get older we
should atleast get wizer??then things will become clear,every1 o us has a
path an a purpose out theyr so follow ure instincts an go with the flow
as u neva know just whats round that ruddy corner on the side of the
road, sadness,happieness seems to come hand in hand ie u cant have 1
without a bit of the other just to show u or whoever or what ever whats
to b will b,. Life is a funny game not funny haha sometimes it can b
funny haha then others so seruios an so final, it blows ure tiny mind
into shrapenl an into everyhole it can find,Theyr is a light thou at the
end of each tunnel or each path ,their is choices to guide u on ure way
to shed some light on ure darkness at a time u think theyrs none , yip
theyr is thankgod , there is a wee light it looks realy far of but its
theyr an thatll do for now, to know theres light at the end is enuf just
now,what a rollercoaster of a year an a bit, but weve all had our
times no matter who we r everyones life revolves round the same thing
we r all the same, its just how we put our selfs across, an how others
take to it or not as some o the cases may b, am glad am the person i am
its tool a lot of soul searchin but am glad to b excatly who i am, an i
know ave done proud but u dont feel that at times u jst feel numb cant
even talk ,ure brains racin with so many words ,but to put them on ure
tongue is somit difrent all together,, i love to write once ave ritten
stuff i dont read it bk over cause i mite change it an that wouldnt do
am glad for my life an the way its went cause its taught me so much an
opened my eyes an woke me up ,not happy with a couple o the things
thats happened but everything for a reason an i think thats what keeps
me going, an ofcourse my kids, Weve all had a ruf journey to get to this
bit now AN ITLLB DIFRENT AGAIN TOMOZ ,it always is an thank god for
that,______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Fireworks
used to b one o ur fav times o years buildin the biggest fire,even the
first year u saw the kids buildin theyr fire u were right doon theyr
cause they woulda hurt them selfes the way the were buildin it, the fire
woulda fell out on itsel instead of in, u were good at everythin u
thought things out that wouldnt enter ppl,s head always so saftey
conciese,,Tonite was diffrent without u ,, even the weather it was
pourin ,, some1 said months ago they would build the fire but they
couldnt do it ,the fire is only a small one we neva evan lit it cause it
was rainin pourin how we all felt inside,pourin an thinkin o u even the
kids were commentin ,, "wish billy was here" they miss u so much ,
even ppl sayin how theyrs no community spirit atall now its sad but so
true u gave so much an wanted nothin but ppls happieness in theyr
faces , that was ure buzz, the close neighbours who would b theyr anyway
made sure wee david enjoyed it an everyone got fireworks ,,,that much
we r gona keep some for tomoz, that made the kids happy too,, theyrs bn
many a year u done it in the pissin rain ,i remember the first even the
guy for the fire had betta clothes than some o the ppl watchin but ppl
spent 1000,s for firworks that nite now that was a good family nite, the
first 1 we had was the bizz ,the pic o jst about every1 theyr was of
30odds but u were takin the pic,, shan,we shoulda took another with u in
it but if my memeory serves me right we did but the camera wouldnt let
us??seems like yesterday even wee david wasny even thought of then ,,but
not long an he was to make his presence amongst us an then we were a
family of 5,, i miss u so much right from the bottom of my heart,, i
have a big heart u always said an now i know i have an its so strong
just for u bein gone an everything else that keeps me strong every1 has
theyr limits i jst hope am not pushin mines but am just going with the
flow of things till i get the hang of ure not comin home eva?? its so
hard to say it makes me feel so empty,, y take ma hubby wen theirs loads
o ther baduns oot theyr,, he wasnt a badun ,,he would always help ppl
out, even at the cost o his liberty say, he was a good man a agood
profider for his family an a good dad for his kids,an a great garadad to
his skye whom we were luky to see cause she came along wen she did
everything happens for a reason an u always said u would neva see ure
46th birthday ,i wish ide a listened more but i know u wish u hada
listened an beleived in me more it was a mixed up piece o manure that
turned into a pancake ,we soon squashed it wen we could see how daft,it
had become but others an their nosey ways couldnt an they thought they
knew what was good for us an o how rong were they !!but not to worry
thats history an thats our history an we almost had 30years of our
history 6 months an 15days short o ure 30 years together but we knew it
wasnt to b ,we wished it i dreamt o it but it wasnt to b so we have our
memorys an do we have loads o them cause of all those years,an 3 kids
who woulda thought that day we first set eyes on oneanother we woulda bn
togewther for well foreva,,i love an will always miss u an so will ure
kids u were our candle u were our bigest flame its been put out the now
but we will find away to lite our own candles, untill our links all
meet up again love an miss u foreva morexxxxxxxxxx_________________________________________________________________________________________
WELL
I DONE IT I SURVIVED THE DAY WITHOUT U IN PERSON IT WAS SO SAD NOT TO
HAVE U THERE IN PERSON I KNOW U WERE THEYR IN SPIRIT DUE TO WAT HAPPENED
ALONE ,,I ASKED U WEN U GOT TO THE OTHER SIDE TO COME HOME AN LET ME
KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE ,,WELL YES THEYR IS A PLACE AN ITS BEAUTIFULL CAUSE I
SEEN IT IN MA DREAMS O U LEAVIN BUT I DIDNT DECIPHER TILL THE HIDSIGHT
SET IN BUT NOW I KNOW WERE U ARE AM DELIGHTED AN I KNOW URE NEVER FAR.
My hubby u always were a great provider an u still r in only ways u an i
would undrstand,, i knew it was from u it coulda only been even ure
name on it u always were so clever u never beleived way what i said u
always thought i was takin or extractin urine or verbal diareah,,now u
can see al i did was love u so much but ppl had to poisen ure head
against woman an once ure doubt set in u didnt even trust ure family,,we
leartn tolove with it,,right to the end,,ven ure palative care i wasnt
allowed to tell ure dr,s nada cause u thought i was wantin u in the
hospital but bbs never i wanted u beside me 24/7 an u were,I took care
of u better than any nurse coulda even tried i didnt feel at first ide
done nada special cause u were my hubby i woulda walked on hot coals for
to have ure health back an all the pain from the tumours an ure family
wat did they think u were lookin for attention o well we mustnt grumble
its just the way the cookie crumbles ,,ill bet the still think one
up,,but nope bbs it was never about them even going to ure daughters
wddin u asked ure daughter to go an ask them individualy for them to
take the piss but that showed u the true colours of ure siblins an it
hurt u so much i seen ure pain after that call but ure mother phoned the
morn of ure passin anyother mum woulda got a bus or taxi an been theyr
but no sighn an they have the cheek to say i made them feel like that
nopethey made themselves feel like that, I,ll never understand y they
acted an as for bein 2 faced lololol ,,sniffles u were dien i dont think
sniffles woulda bothered him eh,,reactions stunk an hurt u doll i
carried out ures wishes i took the flak i cert dont mind about that
cause the pain u were in i woulda done anythin to take it away an u
piked ure own songs in the year 2003 an i have it written down ,,aw
darlin i miss u so much but i now know at all it meant these last few
years,it was as if our own sik sences were gettin use used to bein apart
we knew we wouldnt bein sayin cherio an movin on with our lifes the
would never part that way but they parted cause u had to part god seen u
weery an am glad he took u wen he did for the pain just wasnt right an
ure brain was fightin the pain too so the meds were of no use but they
didnt find this out till wat 1 week before ure passin,o my love i will
love u infinity AND WILL NEVER FORGET THE SPECIAL UNIQUE PERSON I HAD
AS MY HUBBY CAUSE U WERE 1 IN A MILLION AN I DOWT ANYONE COULD FILL URE
SHOES AS THERE AINT MANY GENTLEMEN LEFT SPECIALY ONES ;LIKE
UXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Firework nite 2010
withou u
_____________
10/08/2010/anniversary
OMG
i cannot beleive am spendin this an ure gone from this earth its still
so hard to take it in,,Ur realy not comin back,,Y,,Ofcourse i know but
deep within i have this stupid hope,,I dont know y is it realy the
power of love it never truly dies,,i can t believe am celebratin without
u babes my first on my own,,o how am gonna miss that smile an that
voice an all the silly little things that made us love,,i miss u so
much it aches inside deep i have to keep the pain away from pryin
eyes,,keep u rite by myside as we shoulda been untill we were 95 but it
wasnt to be so plz lord let him be at peace as he worked so hard,,-------------------------------------
What
ever floats ure boat well u floated mines an me ures we were so good
together so special y do es he only take the good first o y o y,,my
heart bleeds for u an yet i know our kids need me strong that am bein as
well as can be ,,u showed me how to do that,,keep strong no matter wat
hold ure head high u showed me so much u were my husband ,my teacher,my
lover,my one an only true to my heart,,itll take someone whos not even
possible to were ure shoes cause we were so special for so long its hard
to think ure gone????i loved u the first day i saw u rite thru to the
last we spoke often of this day we parted company never realy imaginin
it would come to us so young ,,whAT LESSONS WERE TO B LEARNT IF ANY WHAT
AM I MISSIN SHOW ME I JUST NEED A SIGN AN ILL KNOWW WAY AVE TO DO,,i
miss ure smile ure happy face ure warm arms ure laugho how my heart
aches for what should be an what isnt i love thee so much an always will
part 3.____________________________________________________________________
to
walk hand in hand is now only a memory, my stomachs doing backflips i
miss u so much , i jst want b with u an i jst want to talk to u an touch
u smell u , i can hear ure voice but its not whats needed i need u, my
brain its like its bn cut in half i miss u so much,Its hard to believe 1
year near ehuf an u had to leave, in the friggin cruelest possible
way ,the only savin grace was it was so fast now i lie an think of
loads o yesterdays but no more tomorrows , its so hard to take in esp
when i think ure comin bk all the time its as if uve never left , i can
feel ure presance strong but i cannot reach u, maybe in ma dreams i know
we walk then i can see that but i still want u here an real to the
touch , the only way is more love ive gave u all of everything of me for
years its so hard to stop an change what ave known for my lifetime its
hard an i miss u like crasy,we willl b together again 1 day but till
then i realy need to get a grip an get on with livin even thou i think
ur gonna come home i know in my heart ur not realy or are u,y am i
feelin this tonight is everythin ok with pur family my tummys doin
tumbles i jst want it too stop plz help from ure side u musta helped
billy the other nite some1 was watchin him or he woulda bn joinin u for
sure thanku.__________________________________________________
Just
as u think its safe to go inti the water somit comes to drag u
doon,neva mind jaws when ure brains on ull alert evan jaws would keep
oot ure road but ure own kids u canny keep them out ure rd so maybe i
will just eat the 1 am moanin about right now,Kids if am not growin up
hows ma kids suposed ti, i want to b the ruddy bairn fur a change jst fur
the day see how u like it,my kid i mean well my adult kid do they eva
grow up or should a say wake up pls tell me am jst moanin for the heck o
it pls pls pls,U were doin so well whats the friggin attraction or is
it whats between ure ruddy legs u fool o ull wake up 1 day an say wtf
but by then u will of pissed so many of ur word will b mud an for what a
piece o mud,maybe am going too far its ma thoughts an am sharin them
with ma computer lol,so theyr lolololohahahahahahahah
______________________________________________________________________________
ppl
with babies enjoy the first while , while u can cause it goes by so
fast 1 min ure teachin them to walk an talk next theyr tryin to teach u ,
or going theyr own journeys(lifes walk)i cal it, we all have 1 to do
,its called livin,life,an how whats for ya wont miss ya, allways ready
for to show u ,no dont even think o relaxin an sayin i like this
ride?nope then JAWS comes right oot the water ti bite ure erkie cleen
off,again,just a mad rant,lifes walkway wat have we to learn an teach in
our findings, they say as long as u learn somit then not all is lost??
ive learnt plenty but still feel at the starter line or laggin behind,
What a race full o keak ,lifes journeys r were u walk an untill uve
walked in anothers shoes neva cast stones cause the ripples, cause
waves, the world is allready drownin it doesnt need ppl,s personas
drowning, We all have to have the stiff uper lip,
an
keep together or we will sink, ppl seem to b so sore or hurt an angry
,but thats when u take it out on the 1 u shouldnt knowin full well
they,ll take it, yet again, PPl can only take so much, u cant keep
critisicin for it aint no good,u only end up feelin the same,an when
that door of hunhappieness opens theyrs no turnin bk for a good
while!!!so keep ure self busy an not to think to much atall ,just go
with the flow,its easy, i love to share in ppl,s joy an sometimes share
in their tears as its not all plain sailing , it leaves a ruddy big
hole, were no mater how much diggin u cannot fill ,for its not to b
filled,uve to leave it empty,an fill it with MEMORIES!!!Its hard to do
but once u get going u defo get them going ,whilst u think of them much
happier days,when u can smile at them an remember with that wee glint in
ure eye, then they fill over an tears start to flow an even they dont
fill this massive hole,its a lonely excistance once uve bn 2 to suddenly
b 1, its ruddy hard,but u have ti get on no mater whats on u have
things to do , even thou theyrs nowt ude ike beter to lie in ure bed,
but this wouldnt do,ude end up covered in sores an even blueir, they say
what doesnt kill u makes u stronger am still waitin on these MUSCLES,
an ive even shrunk, but thats all in 1s day, just a little insight to
mmy ways, ofcourse i falter an feel i should stop i even shut up lol,
ave tryewd a few things now,ave had to ,an not in the fastlane thank
fook lol, i woulda well crashed by now, ave takin ma time, an went with
the flow an still will ,cause thats the way it is,or i am ,if i was any
more laid bk ide b horizontal ive bn told lol, i also believe every1 has
a story thats waitin to b told,some funny,some sad, some down rite not
rite ,but thats kl its ure lifes journey an were u end up at the end of
the day is down to how u act now,b carefull of what u mock,cause u just
neva know that could b u 1 day, every1 to their own,it takes all types
to make this world go round,everyone has their own piece o space no one
else is allowed into this wee piece ,some things r for sharin others r
for not,sometimes feelings rule ure head an heart,an too fast to give an
answer instead o thinkin of all thats going on,i know am good at jumpin
in with both feet, i wish the ground would just swallow me up but it
doesnt an u have ti get on, cause its a new dawn,everydays a diffrent
day as it should b ,an a problem shared is a problem halfed an so on,
Its ure life its what u make of it,but still , is theyr realy some1 u
should b answerin to, no im sure theyr aint,its up to u an all the
baggage it brings ,an skelotons in the cupboard am sure every1 has
somit, an who realy cares i cert dont, i take it 1 day at a time, i used
to take it 15mins at a time but my days movin a little faster,its also
good to hear the laughs ,the funny side of things u just dont see untill
u think it truly over memorie block seems to b on my head right now,
but we did have a lot o fun, always somit to do it neva stayed quiet for
long,an everytime we thought or said its quiet somit would happen for
to awaken what we thought was sleepin or even extinct, but neva we had
soul an its just not fair,ur not here, we mite laf at some things but
its still so raw were stilll in shock,its hard to believe whats went
down over this last while, its quite alot to take on board,an then stik
it in its little boxes at the bk of ure mind,esp when urs is choker
blokers,loads o boxes sittin on top o eachother , i end up doing a
balancin act ,till i get a crack in the neck,i shoulda been a giraffe or
somit with broad shoulders an american quarter bk even well am gona
stop an come bk when its time to finish ,this work of art lol,Brains we
all have 1 an every 1 unique, we all share this planet an should get
on, what was, we r here, in the now,time to make new memorys its hard
for theyrs allways gona b a piece o the puzzle missin , its how to move
forward,,takin 1 step in front of the other , when the wind knows ur
name before u know it ure off again on some other journey sometimes
before u can even think somit comes along to make sure ur brains on full
tik, as if it ever truly has, it feels like it should b in a
jar,,,lol,,but thats kool , i learn somit new? somehow itll come to me
when the times right,this i do know , i love bein a mum thou, we all
make mistakes, its all our lessons on lifes journey,we do try to not
make what we think is our parents mistakes , till we learn for ourself
excatly what they meant,U can scream the answer in ure adult childs face
but they have to learn just like u did, an still do , were all first
time learners an then teachers,lifes journey.______________________________________________________________________________________
How
to begin a brand new start,?well u get a bunch o facts an shit together
an u sort it thru , rite from the very first box an u have to do them
all,but u canny in 1 day a lifetime o memories, in 1 box,wish it was as
easy as pandora,s stik it all in 1 but no its gotta b loads o wee,r
boxes to we tiny 1z , o u knew how ti pk, so much into such a tiny
space, i could neva put it bk how it was, i was neva that neat,lol,Yet
theyrs a memory box ,with not much init, but theyrs boxes galore u knew
how to store,u were like a wee squirel lol ,allways for a rainy day ,an
still robin peter to pay paul, I would say ure that tite ude squeeze ur
erse ti fart, u would have that cheeky grin, knowin what u had within, u
were happy u had made a buk, that seemed to b ure luck, U seemed to
allways have the luck ,allways i thought knew what was what,yet all this
time i thought this u were sayin it was me , i honestly thought it was
u,but now havein ti think , i know it was us,its weird its like bein cut
in half,? how do i an i ave to know myself how do i, for u cannot
answer me , yet i feel u close by me, i know ur never far as memories r
always there for to keep u alive,we had some great times ,we had loads
an loads o good times ,just aswell we got it in whilst we could ,inside
we knnew it wasnt for our old age,that wasnt to b,but i know when my
day comes ull b waitin , rite now im in a bubble an im beginin to see a
wee lite an hopefully its a savin lite from wateva, cause i need it
now,I know AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK, I CAN FEEL THAT ,the other feelins r
numb im tryin to feel this an that but i feel so empty ,I need to fill
it up ,its causin alot o grief,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Well
i,ll start with the weather ,just cause its feb thinks it can b
sh....,well i wont dig the bikini oot yet or anytime soon maybe july
,Things can b so hard till u find an answer then its easier,my brains
allover the place the now but its still workin i think?lol,It has ti b
eh no ones gonna take ma brain an use it will am not theyr? i hope,how
ti use it now thats another thing altogether, but some1 told me 1x my
brain knows whats happenin before i do , i hope so ,ave ti write but i
canny think ,the words usualy come easy,but today writers block,so ill
talk o ma fav subject, billy Its nearly 13 months since u left feels
like a lifetime an then again as if it were today, i miss ure mad ways
so much,an so do ure kids an family,i feel as if uve neva left,All the
tit for tat an all that eh an i thank u for that or i wouldnt b who i am
today, i am quite a strong person ,then others u could blow me over
with a feather,memorys r good an i thank u for them an allways
will,fairplay to u,life has a funny way of showin u whats for u wont
miss u ever ,we learnt that early on,an i still try to learn somit new
everyday mind it gets harder the older u get? tryin to understand y is
the hardest of them all cause theyr isnt a y its just whats to b,an
nowt we can do can change that,am not finished on this note just gonna
cut it short the now, i had plenty in ma head before i sat down to
write,but now its blank,maybe its not meant for hear maybe its ment for
my books an ill leave it like that the now,,,_______________________________________________________________________________________
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